LA Miles
With crime running rampant in Los Angeles, a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor DA J. Miles Lenny as they both fight to bring justice to the southland.
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People post loglines here because either: 1] they’ve already finished a script, now are wrestling to write a logline to market it; or 2] They are tossing out a concept, a idea for feedback, for ideas on how to flesh it out.
As you indicated you’ve got a script to go for a series with the deadline for a pitch looming, so you’re not primarily interested in the viability and marketability of your premise.
Your logline fairly well indicates your concept for the series. However, legendary though he may be, as a general rule loglines do not include proper names. So “the ghost of a famous prosecutor” is good enough.
As written, the logline does not indicate an inciting incident based upon a specific crime case. It only indicates a general situation, to wit, that “crime is rampant”. A general situation provides a context for an inciting incident, but it is not equivalent to an inciting incident. Does this accurately reflect your pilot script? That is, that the rookie DA starts getting advice because crime is in general rampant? Or is it that he starts getting advice in regards to a specific case?
I agree with the previous commentary:
-avoid character names (here’s why: http://www.raindance.org/10-tips-for-writing-loglines/)
-I miss a clear inciting event. There must be one if you have written the first episode, you just have to identify it and include it in the logline.
If the meeting with the ghost is the inciting event:
“When a rookie DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of famed prosecutor, _________”
then what happens? They seek criminals togheter? This can’t work in my opinion because the inciting event actually HELPS the main character, so it’s cool, no problems, no conflict, no irony. I imagine that this “unsolicited advice” create problems so give us some elements to better understand the story.
Maybe it’s better to focus on a specific case.
Good advice from DPG above.
also,
It would help if there was a specific bad guy or boss terrorizing LA. (Not a general increase in crime)
It would also help if that bad guy was the one who killed the former DA.
It would then help if it was personal for the new DA; the bad guy possibly kidnaps or kills someone close to the new DA.
This event would trigger the story and now both the DA and the Ghost have personal stakes in getting the bad guy.
Just some thoughts, hope that helped.
—–
“When his mentor is killed, a rookie DA teams with the ghost of his former friend to track down the Mob Boss who is reeking havoc on the streets of LA.”
When a rookie Los Angeles DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of a once famed prosecutor era?s clash as justice is served in the southland
Thank you. That is all part of the story line for the one hour drama. This is Television. I tried again with :
When a rookie Los Angeles DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of a once famed prosecutor era?s clash as justice is served in the southland
I tried again. Plus thank you all again!!!
When a rookie Los Angeles DA begins receiving unsolicited advice from the ghost of a once famed prosecutor era?s clash as justice is served in the southland