Categories: Drama
>>>After discovering immortality
Wonder if that could be re-phrased better. ?How does he discover it? ?This is obviously the inciting incident that kicks the whole saga in the pilot episode. ?So it has to be a good one -- and one that inducesa viewing audience to suspend disbelief.
>>> a former African slave
Wouldn't it make for a stronger pilot episode and story line if he becomes immortal while still enslaved and the through line for the 1st season would become his struggle to win his freedom. ?(And freedom for his family? ) ?I'm assuming that becoming immortal has conveyed no other boon or power, so he would have to wrestle with obtaining his freedom like mere mortals.
>>filled with anger
Isn't that so obvious that it doesn't need ?to be said? ?Or is subjective need to somehow, over time, transcend his anger? ?His anger can serve as a two-edged sword of emotional motivation. ?There is plenty of cause to be angry because there is so much injustice and oppression. ?But on the other hand, if not tempered, it can lead to rash behavior and self-defeating consequences. (And the character has to be flawed; even though fighting to overcome evil, he's can't be portrayed as a saint.)
Anyway, overall, I suggest the logline needs to frame his objective goal more directly: to wit, to obtain his freedom and fight for the freedom and equality for all his people. ?(That is his long term objective goal, isn't it?)
>>>After discovering immortality
Wonder if that could be re-phrased better. ?How does he discover it? ?This is obviously the inciting incident that kicks the whole saga in the pilot episode. ?So it has to be a good one -- and one that inducesa viewing audience to suspend disbelief.
>>> a former African slave
Wouldn't it make for a stronger pilot episode and story line if he becomes immortal while still enslaved and the through line for the 1st season would become his struggle to win his freedom. ?(And freedom for his family? ) ?I'm assuming that becoming immortal has conveyed no other boon or power, so he would have to wrestle with obtaining his freedom like mere mortals.
>>filled with anger
Isn't that so obvious that it doesn't need ?to be said? ?Or is subjective need to somehow, over time, transcend his anger? ?His anger can serve as a two-edged sword of emotional motivation. ?There is plenty of cause to be angry because there is so much injustice and oppression. ?But on the other hand, if not tempered, it can lead to rash behavior and self-defeating consequences. (And the character has to be flawed; even though fighting to overcome evil, he's can't be portrayed as a saint.)
Anyway, overall, I suggest the logline needs to frame his objective goal more directly: to wit, to obtain his freedom and fight for the freedom and equality for all his people. ?(That is his long term objective goal, isn't it?)
This latest draft is convoluted and a bit messy as it lacks a description of his action throughout the series. In Forever the MC is a medical examiner for the Police, and the action he pursues in each episode throughout the series is catching killers. In this logline you wrote he fights against racism against black people, why not change it so he fights bigotry - it's not just black people who suffered from racism...
More so why not be more specific and write that he fights slavery? Slavery is the source of his pain so it would be fitting for him to want to stop it.
My suggestion:
After a revived slave discovers he is immortal on a slave traders ship, he spends each passing century fighting bigotry and abolish slavery around the world.
Newest logline:
After discovering immortality on a plantation in 1785, a former African slave filled with anger will be shaped by centuries of racism against black people in the United States, while simultaneously fighting against it.
An African slave is murdered for a crime he didn't commit and later resurrected to find his killers.
Slaves aren't supposed to have things of value so including him on a quest to find what was taken from him is pointless.
Decades to find something... while this may sound epic, really only sounds boring to me.
Bitter, yet compliant isn't a description that adds to the protag.
If his goal is to recover what was stolen from him; then the inciting incident should be about his possession being stolen. And why what was stolen was so important or personal.
