Categories: Noir
A logline concentrates on what a character does, the action he or she takes as opposed to what they learn.
"After witnessing his best friends murder, a drifter turned bartender must now navigate the Yakuza underground to discover who ordered the hit and then take them out."
After witnessing her best friend getting murdered, the son of a reformed Yakuza must confront the deadly organisation trying to take over his neighbourhood.
I like the idea that he knows some of the mechanics of the underworld because of his dad's past.
The question is you need more personal stake. Somebody the protagonist like must be at risk.
Maybe a family member (his dad, his mom) or a friend can be that person.
A logline should be, ideally, 25-35 words. We don't need to know the name of the hotel, we don't need anywhere near as much detail to still understand the basic premise for the film.
Random thought - if he's a drifter, isn't it a bit coincidental that his childhood friend is murdered right where he's suddenly started working. He clearly hasn't drifted too far from home... why does he have to be a drifter? It doesn't seem to have any bearing on the story.
What's his goal? There's a lot of words in this logline but none of it actually tells us what he's trying to do. Uncover the yakuza? Stay alive? What's his goal?
The inciting incident is a bit weak. He's simply finding out that his friend died in the alleys of the hotel.... why can't he witness the murder? What better way to get him in up to his neck in the conspiracy that to drop him right in. If he just finds out in passing, the yakuza aren't aware of his presence. For his existence to be threatened and for him to become entwined in it, surely he has to see it first hand?
The idea of a Tokyo noir film is great! Trim this down, find a goal, and tie it all together and I think you'll have something here!
