A lat-night diner waitress bites off more than she can chew when she tries role-playing with two estranged brothers.

I like the revision?one you wrote better.

I agree, dpg, regardless of length, loglines fill the same function. I'm afeard of it becoming too wordy. Ah well. On Concorde!

Wyatt_Lamoureux:

>>>This 20-minute piece shoots in spring,

Oh.? Now that I know that, I wish to modify some of what I said previously.

Unless informed otherwise, my feedback assumes that a logline is for a full length feature film because that is the purpose of most of the loglines posted here.? That is also the default assumption of the guidelines posted under the "Our Formula" link at the top of the web page.

Now then. In a feature film (100-120 minutes) the entirety of the 1st Act, about 25-30 minutes, is devoted to setting up the objective goal the protagonist will pursue in? Acts 2 and 3.? But your short will be over with in less time than that!? So do the guidelines for the standard formula fully apply to your project?

My provisional opinion is:? mostly.? I think the general 3 Act structure in terms of the dynamics of the action still apply albeit in a very compressed form.? That is, set up a protagonist with a dramatic problem [Act 1];? stir complications into the plot [Act 2] that builds tension to a? climax and denouement [Act 3].

Therefore, I suggest that even for a short, a logline should clearly ID the protagonist in terms of a defining characteristic (usually a flaw or vulnerability).? And I suggest the logline should clearly indicate the inciting incident that sets the story motion.? Sets the story in motion in terms of a dramatic problem that the protagonist must solve.? To wit, the protagonist's implicit objective goal,

That said, imho, the most important element a logline for your short -- for a film of any length -- is a good hook that immediately grabs and holds a logline reader's interest.

Alas, it is my impression that phrases like "tries role playing" and? "mind games" conceal more than reveal what the story hook might be.? I encourage you to reveal the hook , flaunt it, dangle it out there in front of my eyes, like you would a baited hook for a fish.

fwiw