A teenage girl returns home to her whole family executed and must go undercover to find her family’s killers where she finds that she isn’t fully human.

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The Hiddens

16 reviews

Richiev · Singularity · 58,825 pts

"When her family is executed by the ruthless leader of the dark cranes, an introvert must infiltrate their secret organization for revenge but along the way discovers she may not be entirely human."

Neer Shelter · Singularity · 39,985 pts

I think it is becoming evident that the mixture of genres in the logline is hindering most readers understanding of your story.

I strongly suggest taking on board the above comments and focusing on the murder mystery in the logline and not mention the supernatural elements at all.

Example:
After the family of an introvert girl is murdered she must flee her home to escape death and goes on the road to catch the mysterious looking killer.

If you use the antagonist description as a hint at super natural you can suggest that there is a genre mix in the story. Other wise it doesn't matter what race the girl is or isn't her story still starts after her family is killed and she her action is to catch the killer.

giaforetia · Penpusher · 40 pts

Version #3:
Brianna, an introverted girl, has intense hearing skills and reflexes. She experiences horrific flashbacks of a murder she doesn't know she commited. One night she returns home to her family murdered by Luther Kin, leader of the Dark Cranes, who also leaves her for dead. Surviving her attack she pursues Luther Kin where she finds that her parents were the leaders of the Hiddens and that she is the key to Hidden survival from Dark Crane slavery.