Categories: SciFi
This new energy source of yours has something to do with the Jinns? What I mean is: is there a secret behind this new source of energy? It would be interesting if there was a relation between the energy source and the supernatural. Is it a quantum/ nuclear thing, the god particle or something like that? Or is it an old stolen relic that powers the city and that belonged to the Jinns a long time ago?
The cleaning lady part is cool and comic, I like this protagonist but I also need a bit more information. Why is she special? the ?cleaning? is a metaphor for a killer or is she really a cleaning lady? The cleaning ability will be pertinent to the story?
The part about the Jinn taking over the human bodies is very cool? it reminded me of The Body Snatchers and Battlestar Galactica (less): not knowing who is the enemy raises the tension (they are hiding in plain sight).
The supernatural powers transferred to the host are nice but the powers are not really given to the host because their body (and mind?) has been taken over? I think there should be a problem when a Jinn invades a weak human body: there are the cool powers but the body can't handle the supernatural power for a long time or something? like the character Doro, in the Wild Seed book (Octavia Butler).
When a new power source allows djinn to take over the body of defenceless humans, a meek cleaning lady the last descendant of supernatural warriors must fight to save her city.
>>>An otherworldly being imbues an unassuming young cleaning lady with powers to protect a city from supernatural threats attracted to the new energy source used to power the city by a power hungry inventor.
Why doesn't the otherworldly being do the job herself?? Why does she subcontract the work to the cleaning lady?
Kind of smacks of an improbable?deus ex machina gimmick, only in this instance a deus ex machina to kick start the story rather than resolve it.
Of course, you are allowed creative license in inventing your imaginary world, but within that world actions must be internally consistent and logically motivated according to the rules you have set up.? In this imaginary world, what is the logical reason an otherworldly being doesn't intervene herself?? Why must she get the job done through a proxy?
>>>An otherworldly being imbues an unassuming young cleaning lady with powers to protect a city from supernatural threats attracted to the new energy source used to power the city by a power hungry inventor.
Why doesn't the otherworldly being do the job herself?? Why does she subcontract the work to the cleaning lady?
Kind of smacks of an improbable?deus ex machina gimmick, only in this instance a deus ex machina to kick start the story rather than resolve it.
Of course, you are allowed creative license in inventing your imaginary world, but within that world actions must be internally consistent and logically motivated according to the rules you have set up.? In this imaginary world, what is the logical reason an otherworldly being doesn't intervene herself?? Why must she get the job done through a proxy?
A young cleaning lady is called on to protect a whole city. How? Why? She's seemingly just a normal person and yet she's suddenly given the responsibility of saving everyone. You need to give us more information than this <-- this is based on your first version.
As dpg said, just saying "with powers" is too general. How do her powers relate to the jinn? Why is she the only one who can stop them? why a cleaning lady?? Give her a characteristic too, she's our protagonist, sell her story to us!
I don't think we need to know that they are called jinn (djinn). I don't think it's relevant to the story.
The inciting incident is surely when the jinn first arrive at the city not when the new power source is used. Why can't they just flip the power source back? It seems there is a very easy solution...
The jinn take over humans and give them supernatural powers. Why? They are attracted to the energy source, not humans. What's their motivation for possessing people? Without understanding what they want and/or need, how is anybody going to be able to defeat them.
All these elements need to be connected together. It's too random at the moment. Tie it all up.
The logline is too wordy and at the same time describes too few details.
As DPG pointed out, what is her power and what motivates her to take action? Her getting the call is one thing but her WANTING/NEEDING to stop the baddies is another.
Lastly, what specifically is her goal? Fending off the Jinn sounds like an ongoing task, what's the end game? How will the audience know beyond a doubt that she has achieved her goal?
How does she get the call?? Who calls her?? IOW:? what is the inciting incident that sets her in motion.
And? "with powers" is too general.? What specific power does she have that qualifies her to take on the challenge?
And if she's aware she's got some magic mojo? --? why? is she only a cleaning lady?? Or is she aware of her mojo at the time of the inciting incident?? What is her implied character arc if she's already mojo-armed and knows it?
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How does she get the call?? Who calls her?? IOW:? what is the inciting incident that sets her in motion.
And? "with powers" is too general.? What specific power does she have that qualifies her to take on the challenge?
And if she's aware she's got some magic mojo? --? why? is she only a cleaning lady?? Or is she aware of her mojo at the time of the inciting incident?? What is her implied character arc if she's already mojo-armed and knows it?
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Nice work. much better. It leaves me with the questions that make me want to hear more.
Who would call on a cleaning lady to protect a city, and why? Is there something special about her?
I want to read this logline from bottom to top. What is the connection between the Jinn and the new energy source?
