by bill chipman · Initiate · 50 pts
778 views
Already a member?
It seems you have an extremely marketable concept, but it's buried in the logline.
A few suggestions:
As everyone else has already said, we need ONE protagonist, a BRIEF characterization of him, a SPECIFIC problem he faces, and a REASON for the audience to want to follow him.
Where was the protagonist's buddy killed, Afghanistan or back in the states ? and why is that location important? And speaking of Afghanistan, we all know where that is, but who knows where Helmand Province is ? and why is that important?
Is there some specific promise made between the vets that's unique from the understood promises made between all service veterans? If so, what is it? If not, it's not necessary to the logline.
Can you be a bit more specific about the web of deceit? without giving it away? To me, that's the draw.
If you can nail down that last point, you could be on your way to a winner.
Way too vague. Who is your protagonist and what do they do in your story?
"The death of their hero unveils" -- where? In Helmand or in Miami?
I agree with Richiev about the stakes. But I am also unclear about the nature of the real problem. There seem to be two: 1] something went wrong somewhere and 2] it's being covered up.
And I don't see an objective goal: Rodriquez is portrayed as a passive victim of circumstances-- "engulfed". What is he doing about being "engulfed"? And what does he stand to lose if he fails?
What's the the differentiating hook? What makes this story so special from all the other films already made (with mixed box office results) about the post-911 wars in the Middle East? What will makes this story stand out, rise to the top of the pile of other war scripts accumulating on Hollyweird desks?
I think the problem is the stakes, You have the death of a hero, you also have 'a web of deceit' and then you follow it up with the stakes: 'Challenging promises made' since we don't know what that promise was, it seems anti climactic.
Shouldn't the stakes be higher than a challenged promise?
After a firefight in Helmand Province, battle-hardened vets return to Miami P. D. The death of their hero unveils a web of deceit that engulfs Sgt. Charlie Rodriguez, challenging promises made and bonds between brothers.
any better?
The bonds of brotherhood forged in war, unravel in peace as returning veterans discover the truth about a firefight in Afghanistan that...
That what? Claimed the life of half their unit? Or...? The controversial event needs some specificity.
And as written, the logline suggests an ensemble piece -- no one character stands out as the protagonist. Even so, there is usually one character who provides the primary the point of view for the sake of the audience. And is the framing character (aka: protagonist) for the purpose of the logline. Who is that character in this story? What is his objective goal? What is his character flaw? Who or what opposes him? What's at stake?
