by Paul Clarke · Showrunner · 1,870 pts
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This is the Set up.....
Need an Event..... When a pyschomental power forces a trapped bunker.....
Sounds like 54 Days.....
Premise is not clear.
Goal needs to be a Specific Act.
This day and age Screen writers need to answer and supply a 3 Dimensional character with a moral Compass........That needs to change for Hero to evolve to Protagonist Status ( Archetypical Trait)
Try
When a lead Enviromental Scientist fails follow orders a false alarm is launched that threatens Contamination they are moved,
but when a mind altering chemical gas is released they become trapped and must design a complex ventilation system to survive while they pick the lock to kill there saboteurs.
Acts, Clear Threats, Time considerations and Conclusions that effect more than just the Individuals.
Hope this helps ;)
I don't think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you're on a winner.
As an example.
A research assistant is trap underground after a contamination system locks. The leaked gas has produced psychopathic behaviour in her co-workers. She must now fight for her life while trying to escape this subterranean (prison). Prison is the wrong word. You know your story, so you know the best beats to add in. If you have a time pressure to add, even better. So after "Prison" you could add "before....". So "before the facility is sealed forever" adds even more stakes and more pace.
I like these types of stories, good luck.
If the co-workers are accidentally locked in the lab with the MC then the inciting incident is happening to BOTH the MC and antagonists. Typically the inciting incident happens only to the MC.
I agree, without including the rats makes for a better logline. Nice one!
