Categories: Public
Red Vendetta
Ok I will rewrite and re-post thanks.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. For loglines, less is almost always more.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. For loglines, less is almost always more.
haha no he's not smuggling money because its his patriotic duty.There is a reason for its not just greed, but isn't that too much to include in a logline? or maybe i should take out the smuggling of the money as it might lead people to wondering how its linked
Ooops I just read what I wrote, a minor change: Him instead of himself :) a bit less confusing that way.
-----
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder him and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
-----
-----
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder hims and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country.?
I think I will attempt to shorten your version of the logline only changing a few minor details.
Your logline:
-----
A dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to kill their assassins in order to smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
-----
Shortened logline:
-----
When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
-----
-----
However, the end of this logine does need to be changed, I do believe DPG's correct, the smuggling aspect of the logline is out of place.
-----
"When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country."
Hope that helped
Also: why do the rogue agents want to kill the protagonist and his gang? That's a reveal for the story, not the logline, of course, but right now, I'm trying to unpack your story and connect the dots, figure out how each piece relates to the other pieces and to the story as a whole. Because when I say I don't understand what the story is about, I'm saying I don't see how all these elements are causally connected. What is the causal link between the rogue assassins and the smuggling? And what is the causal link between the dishonorable discharge and the rest of the story.
My definition of a plot is a conspiracy against the protagonist with a lethal threat aimed at the bulls eye of his character flaw. You defined your protagonist's character flaw as his patriotism. If that is so, then the plot should be how he is in danger of being taken down and out by his patriotism. But I see nothing of that in his objective goal ---he's smuggling mucho dinero to Cuba because he feels it's his patriotic duty?
fwiw
I can understand and sympathize with why they would want to kill the assassins -- to save their own lives -- but at the moment I don't understand and sympathize with why they want to smuggle the money.
Speaking for myself, I am not interested in heist movies where the protagonist is in it only for the money. The operative word is "only". I have no problem with a protagonist wanting the money, but I do have a problem if he's stealing or smuggling or whatever for no other reason than sheer greed. Consider "Ocean's 11": The reason Danny Ocean selects the 3 casinos to rob is that the owner, Terry Benedict, has 'acquired' his ex-wife, Tess; he still loves her and wants her back. A pivotal player in the plot, Ruben Tishkoff, wants revenge for Terry forcing him to sell out his casino -- and then demolishing it. The two are not in it just for the money.
So why does your protagonist want to smuggle $100,000,000? To Cuba, no less.
Does this work better?
A dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to kill their assassins in order to smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
This is still too long and I am not sure what to take out? I feel everything in there is needed to understand the story. Do you understand the story now?How do you feel about the story? Is this a story that would interest you?Does it make you want to know more?
