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Ok I will rewrite and re-post thanks.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. For loglines, less is almost always more.
Simplify, simplify, simplify. For loglines, less is almost always more.
haha no he's not smuggling money because its his patriotic duty.There is a reason for its not just greed, but isn't that too much to include in a logline? or maybe i should take out the smuggling of the money as it might lead people to wondering how its linked
Ooops I just read what I wrote, a minor change: Him instead of himself :) a bit less confusing that way.
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder him and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder hims and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country.?
I think I will attempt to shorten your version of the logline only changing a few minor details.
Your logline:
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A dishonorable discharged solider is torn between the love for his country and vengeance when he stumbles upon a future murder plot of himself and his military brothers by rogue CIA agents. The team must pull their skills and resources together to kill their assassins in order to smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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Shortened logline:
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When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, the team must kill their assassins and smuggle 100 million to Cuba.
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However, the end of this logine does need to be changed, I do believe DPG's correct, the smuggling aspect of the logline is out of place.
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"When a dishonorable discharged solider stumbles upon a CIA plan to murder himself and his ex-squad-mates, his team must kill their assassins while figuring out how to smuggle their families out of the country."
Hope that helped
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