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This story is both unintelligent and quite dead. However, it is salvageable. The viable story thread here is one of interstellar law agents having their ship attacked and forced to crash land on some primitive or hostile planet. A planet well removed from civilised space. Forget the zoombies (which might include the writers of this). And definitely the first two sentences of this logline are clunky and turgid. Call them star law agents, say, and then got on with the dramatic part of the story. Don't encumber the reader with a dissertation of their departmental names.
For added dramatic tension, it would make sense that the original attackers would be hunting the survivors down to finish them off. So we have two compelling antagonistic forces in that case: The hostile environment and the 'space attackers'.
Even if this is supposed to be a spoofy comedy along "Danger 5" like lines, the proposed revision makes for a cleaner and more streamlined story.
Steven Fernandez (Judge)
Point taken, Russell. If this scriptwriter takes the conventions of the zombie genre and subverts them, a unique and compelling narrative could emerge. It's an ambitious task, but not impossible. And yes I would agree with the logline being too complicated. Keep it simple and strong, identifying the protagonist, her goal and ultimately what's at stake - the intelligent undead should be the icing on the proverbial (!). Judge Foundis
This needs an "extreme logline make-over", so you can start by deleting everything up until "Their ship..." This is where your story starts.
Identify your protag; I assume it's Bella. Who is she?
What is the protag's goal? Getting out of a civil war? She has to have more of a goal...
The obstacles? Zombies
The stakes? Losing her life, and failing in her other goal, as yet unknown.
"After narrowly escaping one warring planet, in possession of a stolen nuclear bomb, a headstrong Delta 5 agent crashes on an neighboring planet, overrun by enemy forces needing weapons, and zombies, in need of brains!"
