Down and out L.A. “Jewish” Attorney can’t get a break and he bends the rules and his life takes a fast turn through a dark world.

Hi Jim,

I like your tag line, where you give us Jim's inner journey: "to become a mensch". Do incorporate it into the logline as it would make it stronger.

It is not entirely clear to me what the genre is but I assume comedy?

I find it helpful to break down your logline in its parts to analyze:

"Down and out L.A. "Jewish" Attorney can't get a break"
Not sure if you need to include both 'down and out' and 'can't get a break'. The fact that he can't get a break is probably the reason why he is down and out. The logline would be tighter by leaving out one or the other. And it's only setting up the opening situation, I suspect.

"and he bends the rules and "
Here you will need to be more specific. "Bending the rules" in se doesn't sound very interesting. It doesn't indicate what his objective is, either.

"his life takes a fast turn through a dark world."
This is really too vague. It doesn't tell us what exactly he is up against. In order to distinguish your film from hundreds of other movies with characters entering a 'dark world', you need to clarify what it is about.

It sounds like this could be a great film if it delivers on your promise but you'll be able to sell it more easily with more detail in the logline.

Down and out L.A. "Jewish" Attorney once falsely accused of treason, can't catch a break, bends the rules, and his life takes a fast turn through a dark world.

I added Treason because you put quotations around "Jewish"... so ethnicity must be an important part of your screenplay. But if you're Jewish, and your script is a Jewish based film, then I wouldn't even mention a "Jewish" Attorney, it should show in your script.

My screenplay is a Black (African American) based Screenplay, but I don't refer to my Protagonist, " A headstrong "Black" ex'con.. blah blah blah. After reading a page or two, you will get the feel that he is black. IMO :)

I like the premise. It sounds almost like a darker version of 'Yes Man' meets 'America Beauty' maybe.

Only suggestion is that this is a little vague. For example when you say that he cant get a break until her starts bending the rules. What makes him decide to bend the rules? Is there a specific event. Cause this would be more of an inciting incident. Like in American Beauty its when he goes to his daughters cheerleader show and in Yes man its when he runs into his old friend who tells him about saying Yes. So rather then being vague about it, put that in the line.

Also when you say he takes a fast turn through a dark world is there an event in particular when he maybe realises that he is entering into something more serious. Or is this dark world symbolised by a particular event or person? Cause if it is then that would be better to put in the logline, it provides the character with a clear goal and destination.

Hope that helps and I didnt get to carried away.