A lawsuit for his wife’s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out— until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
Categories: Drama
20 reviews
I know say this a lot on this site,- but- you need a lead character and the lead character must want something. This is an interesting situation but to improve the logline you should focus on a lead character.
Here would be an example of what I mean:
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"After he's fired and loses his apartment, a department store Santa is determined to give his son a perfect Christmas, even though they are forced to move into an abandoned train station with a group of homeless families."
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Hope that helps, good luck with this!
torgodog:
The logline has certainly morphed ?from the ?original posting, version 1.0. ?Obviously, you want to "chew on the bone" of homelessness. ?Why? ? What is the central issue about homelessness that you want to explore?
torgodog:
The logline has certainly morphed ?from the ?original posting, version 1.0. ?Obviously, you want to "chew on the bone" of homelessness. ?Why? ? What is the central issue about homelessness that you want to explore?
"A prospective lawsuit for his wife's serious injury offers a leader of small homeless group a sudden ticket out of homelessness. That is until a member of his flock threatens to testify against their case. How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??"
It would probably be best to make another post with a revised logline. However, under 30 words, what the logline should be is an answer to "How far is he willing to go to silence this newly found ?witness??"
You shouldn't ask a question in the logline. The logline is used to help you pitch your idea to someone who will be able to get it made.
As I said before in previous reviews: Whata is his goal, and how does he achieve it? That's all you need in the logline, other than absolute essential exposition.
Example: When a homeless man's wife is injured in a store, he sues them in the hope that he get enough money to pull themselves out of homelessness. (~27 words)
While not great, it does have a goal(to get out of homelessness) and his action(suing).
"Ben's dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy."
Take out the first part altogether.
The main character is identified, but don't use names.
He has a goal, to not be homeless.
What action does he take to achieve his goal? You still have not given a specific answer to this question.
Besides, how is it that one homeless man confronting another(not specific enough because while it is implied, he could simply verbally confront him which would make less sense) homeless man "inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy"? Again, be specific.
So, basically, my suggestion is to cut out the first part, and replace "inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy" with a clear action he takes to not be homeless. Also, make sure the action is clearly connected to the inciting incident.
"When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity."
The incident does not have a clear connection to being "forced to re-examine his values". Aside from the fact that that is vague, it needs to have a clear connection to the inciting incident.
The logline should answer these questions:
Who is the protagonist? Which yours does.
What is ?his goal? Yours does not answer this clearly. An objective goal. Does he want to be able to have a house again? Does he want to kill someone? Does he want to stop someone from dying? Does he need to find medicine for someone who is sick? Define a clear goal, that the inciting incident sparks.
What does he do in order to achieve his goal? Does he find himself a good job in order to pay for a house? Does he try to get a loan? Does he get a gun and track down someone to kill? Does he go on a journey in the wilderness to find an ancient cure?
Define the goal and the action the protagonist takes to reach it, and you have your logline.
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What does "take a stand" mean? ?How does that translate into a specific objective goal?
And I don't recommend including statements about "re-examining values"... "merciless world" ... "human dignity", ?yada-yada. ?If you want to send a message about how lousy and unjust the world is-- use Instagram. ?It doesn't belong in a logline.
I mean no disrespect for your passion for social justice nor am I discounting the seriousness of being homeless. ?As I said, I know first hand what it's like. ?I'm ?just saying.
What does "take a stand" mean? ?How does that translate into a specific objective goal?
And I don't recommend including statements about "re-examining values"... "merciless world" ... "human dignity", ?yada-yada. ?If you want to send a message about how lousy and unjust the world is-- use Instagram. ?It doesn't belong in a logline.
I mean no disrespect for your passion for social justice nor am I discounting the seriousness of being homeless. ?As I said, I know first hand what it's like. ?I'm ?just saying.
When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity.