Categories: Public
After Dark
The updated draft does't present any new story elements that help understand the stakes and plot any better than the old draft. Except for appropriating control over the city that is but even that is a vague description of action.
In what way will they "...appropriate control ?"? Politically? Through property purchases? Killing rival syndicate members? Drug trafficking? etc?
All previous comments still apply the logline needs to provide a starting point for the story and a clear motivation for action throughout the series. This means an inciting incident and the basic premise of the pilot episode.
The stakes are vague because we don't understand what would happen if he doesn't join the mafia or what would happen if he does.
This isn't bad, but here is the weak part of the latest attempt.
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...the expatriate must choose between duty or sentiment as both his mettle and loyalty are put to the test.
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Duty? As a bartender. He must choose between serving drinks (His duty) or working for the underground?
Sentiment? You haven't given us a clue to what he is sentimental about so this doesn't work either.
However I believe you are on the right track, I think you will get it.
Updated for like the third time. Check it out! :)
If this is a TV series listen to as much "Nerdist Writers Panel Podcast" as you can. Every episode will be gold for you. They interview writers, show runners and creators. And not hacks, people like Vince Gilligan talk about pitching "Breaking Bad". That will be more value than we can add.
There are too many words separating the beginning of the logline and the description of the main action in the series.
When pitching a TV series you normally pitch the pilot and genre. If the producer or executive are interested they will ask for a brief description of season one for this you need a good goal and a good cliff hanger for season one.
Many producers have told me this in one way or another.
Point is that when structuring a logline for a series best to start off with the inciting incident, character description and main action of the pilot and end with the external main goal of season one.
In this logline there is no inciting incident just a description of the MC's situation prior to the start of the story. Why must he now become a member of the crime organisation? What made him need to do it?
Also best to be specific, as mentioned above, what exactly will he do to prove his loyalty? Because the reader needs to know what the risks for the MC are.
Lastly what is it he wants or needs to achieve? The logline lacks a clear motivation for the MC.
Hope this helps.
I don't like "unceremoniously" in this. I don't think it works. I can see someone being "unceremoniously" dismissed from a job. But (for me) it indicates someone that has something done to them without regard for them. Thrusting someone into a situation indicates that they are being involved in the scenario. I don't think "unceremoniously" work well in this context.
Otherwise the line has come along well.
Me too. Even if not by force, but a mass movement.
I don't need to know as long as it's credible. However, given the general knowledge of mob culture and the Yakuza movie sub-genre, I should think the question may come up sooner rather than later.
Hate to keep harping on it but even though it's a logline for a series, it still needs more specificity as to the action, the plot of the pilot episode. How is he supposed to prove his "mettle and loyalty". By what specific mission, ritual or test that marks his rite of passage into the netherworld of crime?
To repeat, I'm talking about is the all-important pilot episode. There are so many competitive venues and programs for an audience's attention -- and more every season -- a pilot for a series has to stand out from the opening scene, has to grab an audience by their eyeballs and not let go. That requires a strong plot for the pilot that can stand on its own.
My personal gold standard for a pilot kicking off a series is the one for "Breaking Bad". When a mild mannered high school chemistry teacher is diagnosed with fatal cancer, he starts cooking meth to pay the bills and provide for his family after his death. (29 words). All the complications, all the episodes, all the seasons follow from that kick-off plot.
So what's the plot for the pilot episode?
I don't need to know as long as it's credible. However, given the general knowledge of mob culture and the Yakuza movie sub-genre, I should think the question may come up sooner rather than later.
Hate to keep harping on it but even though it's a logline for a series, it still needs more specificity as to the action, the plot of the pilot episode. How is he supposed to prove his "mettle and loyalty". By what specific mission, ritual or test that marks his rite of passage into the netherworld of crime?
To repeat, I'm talking about is the all-important pilot episode. There are so many competitive venues and programs for an audience's attention -- and more every season -- a pilot for a series has to stand out from the opening scene, has to grab an audience by their eyeballs and not let go. That requires a strong plot for the pilot that can stand on its own.
My personal gold standard for a pilot kicking off a series is the one for "Breaking Bad". When a mild mannered high school chemistry teacher is diagnosed with fatal cancer, he starts cooking meth to pay the bills and provide for his family after his death. (29 words). All the complications, all the episodes, all the seasons follow from that kick-off plot.
So what's the plot for the pilot episode?
I cover all that in script but if you really want to know the main character's backstory, I'll gladly tell you.
Is this an expatriate Japanese-American?
I have trouble buying the concept that any American could work his way into a Japanese mafia. Members of criminal mafias bond over ethnic identity.
Is this an expatriate Japanese-American?
I have trouble buying the concept that any American could work his way into a Japanese mafia. Members of criminal mafias bond over ethnic identity.
I have updated it so take a look!
What Richiev said. The logline needs to be more specific on the plot points.
I've read of the term diaspora referring to other groups dispersed from their homeland for one reason or another, but rarely to American citizens. I believe the more common term for Americans living abroad is expatriate.
What Richiev said. The logline needs to be more specific on the plot points.
I've read of the term diaspora referring to other groups dispersed from their homeland for one reason or another, but rarely to American citizens. I believe the more common term for Americans living abroad is expatriate.
