Categories: Public
Titanic: D. S. V.
Hi Presario2200,
Several issues I see with this logline:
1. Loglines don't mention character names
2. Why is the former agent determined to kill his ex, in other words, what does this accomplish? Is he taking revenge for something? The way you wrote it almost feels like he's doing this on a whim, becoming like a terrorist as you say. What makes him this way?
3. Why is she now protecting her son from him, if he wants to kill her? What is the international incident exactly? This sound all vague and muddled up to me...
Try to clarify who the hero is, what exactly he/she is trying to accomplish and what the tangible consequences of his/her failure will be.
You have no inciting incident. Why is your lead character determined to kill his ex wife? Why now? What happened?
No worries lewisricekrispy... :)
Just one last point on the irony front -- the reason why it's such a useful tool, and why it's considered such marketable element to a story etc, is that it clearly shows/ infers dramatic change in your protagonist... they are going to be FORCED to change if they are to succeed. There is no point for an antagonist to be in an ironic scenario, as the function of an antagonist is to do just that -- antagonize... not to change (antagonists can of course end up going through dramatic change, but including that in a logline serves no purpose, and wastes precious real estate...)
Tony Edward was very insightful, i think i'll be submiting any future ideas to him, if that's okay?
An international incident leaves a DOD agency director blind to a threat of her nearest and dearest, when her murderess ex-husband comes out of hidding.
Firstly -- it's almost 60 words in length -- it needs to be half this length for any professional to take it seriously.
Also, I think you're missing the mark when it comes to irony - When the folks you pitched to say "it lacks irony..." they mean the SCENARIO lacks irony (not that irony is a must... It's just that, in this day and age, most folks wanting to invest $ think that irony=COOL, and COOL=marketability... don't force irony into your story/ logline just to appease this want... stay true to the story YOU want to tell. If it is not an ironic tale don't try to make out that it is... in my humble opinion, anyway...at most, infer the irony onto the MAIN character...) At the moment, you have an antagonist carrying the ironic flag -- Irony, imo, is best driven from the MAIN character -- they find themselves in a situation that forces them to act in a way that runs in the opposite direction of what and or who they are...
'An asocial and ambitious mathematician develops paranoid schizophrenia, and fights a hellish battle to beat the disease and rebuild his life, eventually winning a noble prize for his early work'... A Beautiful Mind -- the irony? A genius must deal with a debilitating disease of the mind... Also, he's 'asocial' and 'ambitious' and must learn to open up and let others help him to simply function in the world (..his Wife...).
Another example:
'The aging patriarch of an organized crime dynasty transfers control of his clandestine empire to his reluctant son.' -- The Godfather. The irony? His son, Michael, is reluctant to take over the family business... not only reluctant, but he begins as a patriotic hero soldier, fresh from defending his country (and in turn, its LAWS), and must fulfill the duties of the leader of a group that defies his countries LAW... irony.
If, for example, your heroine is somebody that reads as an extremely unlikely candidate for saving everyone's lives against a psychopathic vengeful ex, well... this would give it some irony (i.e. -- she's hopelessly insecure/ it's her first day on the job/ her job has kept her office bound, and NOW she finds herself on the front line of violence...yada yada yada...).
Lastly -- in terms of pitching this, I, like others, think your best shot would be to steer clear of NCIS...unless you are trying to get a job on their writing team. From what I have heard/ read, submitting your own Episode of a series you love can be a way in (at least as possibly an intern etc..) .. They wont run with it though unless you are already a hired writer. At the moment, you are shooting for a very specific TINY specific target... If you redeveloped it as a stand-alone feature, you open yourself up to all the other Prod Co's that like to produce this type of movie... a lot more targets mean a lot more chances of hitting a target...
Again -- best of luck.
I needed to add an ironic factor into the log line. However, now, it sounds rather off? Any suggestions?
