A SWAT team is lured into a high tech death trap by a genius villain who is also disguised amongst them.

>>I actually hate loglines

I know the feeling, but that's the reality of the business.

And I agree with you that more important than a logline that perfectly conforms to a standard template is one with an irresistible hook. (And is short. Short is non-negotiable. Hollyweird suits have neither the time nor the attention span to read plot summaries.)

I just don't see that kind of hook in this logline. Others' mileage may vary. One reason is that the logline doesn't make clear to me who the protagonist is. Thanks for clarifying your thoughts on that point.

I appreciate the challenge of committing heresy, departing from the unholy canon of dramatic dogma to create an unrepentant villain as the protagonist. It is doable -- because it has been done. My take is that Keyser Soze is the protagonist in "The Usual Suspects". (The detective's investigation is a framing device.)

I agree with you that writing a story and character that is an exception to the rules can be difficult to encapsulate in an enticing hook, extremely difficult to sell. And if that is what you assay to do -- may the odds be ever in your favor. ;-)

I agree -- it might be fruitless to aim for a perfect logline... but you should be aiming for one that not only entices someone into wanting to see your film produced, but also shows off your chops as a writer -- i.e. -- you're using the logline to pitch in written form to get them to at least choose to read YOUR movie above the squillion others in their inbox... and to do this, above all, you need to show your ability to structure a logline -- because if you can't, how can they have faith in your ability to structure a 100-110 page screenplay (and in turn, invest their precious time and truck loads of cash in backing it)? ...it's like the first few minutes of a job interview -- the most crucial -- you blow the first few minutes you blow the interview. That's just this hacks opinion anyway...

For me, a good logline entices because of a clear and original STORY with an interesting protagonist at the helm... and again, at the moment this is a SCENARIO (as others have also mentioned), possibly an interesting one, maybe not startlingly original, but kinda cool -- but not a STORY... which is what a logline should express in under 30 words... or, in other words, it falls kinda into TAGLINE territory...

Any logline is going to leave the reader with questions. The point is do the questions make them want to read the script/watch the film to find the answer, or do the answers (by virtue of the questions) seem uninteresting and not worth exploring.

I actually hate loglines because even a great logline is not perfect. It's going to leave out something interesting, something that may entice one reader or be superfluous to another. So my goal isn't a perfect logline, that's impossible*. It's to have an enticing logline.

*Though i would define a "perfect" logline as one with the fewest words and greatest hook. But that could take different forms.