Categories: Public
ShadowRangers
Thank everyone for the help! I appreciate it.
I completely agree that this sounds very intriguing. My only caution is starting with the words "post-apocalyptic." Versions of the world are pitched so often that everyone hears it and thinks "not another one," even while they're smiling at you. Might be worth your while to come up with another kick-ass way to describe "post-apocalyptic." I also agree with other posts about the length -- shorten it a bit.
>>I wouldn't thing the current American public would be all that happy if their current government had spent a generation or two using children as lab rats either,
Is there any credible proof that they have? If you place the story in the future, you don't have to worry about making it a credible reality, here and now; you have greater freedom to define the situation any way you want to.
>>I wouldn't thing the current American public would be all that happy if their current government had spent a generation or two using children as lab rats either,
Is there any credible proof that they have? If you place the story in the future, you don't have to worry about making it a credible reality, here and now; you have greater freedom to define the situation any way you want to.
All good points about the dystopian/apocalyptic/future. However, I wouldn't thing the current American public would be all that happy if their current government had spent a generation or two using children as lab rats either, so... At least I would hope not.
Though, that being said, I don't think it was ever said that it was an American agency, was it? Could be MI5 or Mossad or ... big world out there, pre- or post-apocalyptic. :)
Personally, I don't think it's that big a deal to have a few extra words, especially if it is a complicated situation.
I suspect there's probably a certain amount of not wanting to give away the twist at work here as well, and that the writer will be able to sort it all a bit more smoothly in a one-on-one pitch or query letter where that isn't as much of a factor as it is in an open forum like this one.
Get the age of the brother clear and the rest of the logline flows pretty well.
Strong idea at the core.
correction: "a warm reception..."
correction: "a warm reception..."
If the time frame, post-apocalyptic or dystopian future, is omitted the presumed time frame is the present. And then your protagonist is immediately guilty by temporal association with current events, with terrorist incidents like the Boston bombings.
Good luck getting a warm receptive to your logline and pitch. You're going to need it -- and then some.
I suggest that if the story is set in a dystopian future, then say so in the logline. Yes, that's 4 extra words, but the alternative guilt by temporal association factor is a far worse problem to confront than 4 extra words.
Unless, of course, you really do want to make an explicit, direct political statement about the current U.S. government and military. If that is the case, well, good luck getting a warm receptive to your logline and pitch. You're going to need it -- and then some.
If the time frame, post-apocalyptic or dystopian future, is omitted the presumed time frame is the present. And then your protagonist is immediately guilty by temporal association with current events, with terrorist incidents like the Boston bombings.
Good luck getting a warm receptive to your logline and pitch. You're going to need it -- and then some.
I suggest that if the story is set in a dystopian future, then say so in the logline. Yes, that's 4 extra words, but the alternative guilt by temporal association factor is a far worse problem to confront than 4 extra words.
Unless, of course, you really do want to make an explicit, direct political statement about the current U.S. government and military. If that is the case, well, good luck getting a warm receptive to your logline and pitch. You're going to need it -- and then some.
Ah, more info. :)
I still think you can skip the whole dystopian intro. At this point, it really is a matter of striping out the unnecessary or redundant... Little things like "sworn enemy" is really just any enemy, no swearing involved. :) "locate and infiltrate" is another one. You can't infiltrate what you haven't already found, so, "infiltrate" is fine.
We do have to figure out who old this brother is though. "... his brother and other children" again makes it sound like the brother is a child, which doesn't seem possible in the scenario described.
What's been mentioned about the inciting incident is important too. If his brother suddenly stumbled home, there would be no need to find him, so, how does he find out he's alive? That's the inciting incident.
"When a government agent which proves his brother has been trapped in a brutal military experiment since his childhood disappearance, he switches sides to help a terror cell rescue him and the next host of captured children."
or, shorter:
"When a government agent discovers his brother has been subjected to brutal military experiments since childhood, he switches sides to help a terrorist cell rescue him and the next host of captured children."
I'm not sure you need the specific what of how he discovers it - if you're pitching live, that can come out in natural discussion, but, somehow, get across that the brother isn't a child, and skin out the useless words, and you should be there.
I think this one sounds like a promising script, best of luck at the ;fest!
Thanks for the great feedback! I'm heading out to LA for a pitchfest in about a week and a half so I really need to get this distilled down for my screenplay.
A little back story based on your questions..
Yes, his brother was in an early wave of experiments, so it's been many years.
The irony comes into play in the fact that he has believed that his brother died in a terrorist attack all these years, but once he learns the truth he teams with them to find the brother and the other subjects.
Maybe instead of post-apocalyptic I can use, In the distant future...
"In a dystopian future, when a reckless government agent discovers his dead brother is alive, he helps his sworn enemy locate and infiltrate the research base where his brother and other children are subjected to brutal experiments.
In a post-apocalyptic world, when an anti-terrorist agent discovers his brother died in a brutal government experiment, he joins the terrorist group he was fighting to destroy to get revenge and rescue other human guinea pigs from a similar fate.
38 words, but...
Rationale:
"Anti-terrorist agent" -- more specific and...
"joins the terrorist group he was fighting to destroy...-- enables an ironic and stronger peripety, reversal of role and goal.
"his brother died..." -- Amps up his motivation for switching sides and goals.
