logline critique
Categories: Crime
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A mentally troubled cop, obsessed with a kidnapping victim from his first murder case, struggles to keep her alive as he finds that the kidnapper is closer than he thinks.
5 reviews
>>A mentally troubled cop,...
Vague, can cover any and every disorder or mood.? Please be specific.
>>> obsessed with a kidnapping victim from his first murder case, struggles to keep her alive
On the first read, it seemed confusing.? I had to read it again to sort it out, something a logline should never have a reader do. Most loglines are only going to one quick pass in 10-12 seconds by a producer, director or agent.? If it isn't immediately and obviously clear, they aren't going to read it twice, they'll just move on to the next one.
There may be a murder involved in setting up the dramatic problem,? the spine of the plot.? But the spine of the plot, the throughline of the action,? seems to be about rescuing a victim of a kidnapping.? I suggest focusing on that in the logline.
>>>as he finds that the kidnapper is closer than he thinks.
Seems to be a spoiler.? Loglines should never reveal the Big Reveal.? And a "come to find out" story moment is understood to be an essential story element in crime genre.? So there is no need to expend words flogging what is expected of the genre.
fwiw
>>A mentally troubled cop,...
Vague, can cover any and every disorder or mood.? Please be specific.
>>> obsessed with a kidnapping victim from his first murder case, struggles to keep her alive
On the first read, it seemed confusing.? I had to read it again to sort it out, something a logline should never have a reader do. Most loglines are only going to one quick pass in 10-12 seconds by a producer, director or agent.? If it isn't immediately and obviously clear, they aren't going to read it twice, they'll just move on to the next one.
There may be a murder involved in setting up the dramatic problem,? the spine of the plot.? But the spine of the plot, the throughline of the action,? seems to be about rescuing a victim of a kidnapping.? I suggest focusing on that in the logline.
>>>as he finds that the kidnapper is closer than he thinks.
Seems to be a spoiler.? Loglines should never reveal the Big Reveal.? And a "come to find out" story moment is understood to be an essential story element in crime genre.? So there is no need to expend words flogging what is expected of the genre.
fwiw
Change "keeping her alive" to "protect" or something similar. Mentally troubled doesn'twork so well either. How about emotional?