Trouble occurs in the casino night clubs. Tough men and one woman are hired to control the crowds. Can they control themselves?

What nicholasandrewhalls says.

>>Can they control themselves?

At best, it's a neutral, at worst, a negative goal. The protagonist (and who is that?) needs to accomplish something more than slam the brakes on his/her emotions. There needs to be a positive, tangible goal as well.

What nicholasandrewhalls says.

>>Can they control themselves?

At best, it's a neutral, at worst, a negative goal. The protagonist (and who is that?) needs to accomplish something more than slam the brakes on his/her emotions. There needs to be a positive, tangible goal as well.

If that's the plan, definitely drop the opening line (trouble occurs in the casino night clubs). Because, as far as narrative drama goes, trouble happens anywhere, and you're just wasting word count.

The key to those other loglines is that their hook is quite strong; an invasion on independence day, or a lawyer who can't lie. A trio of bouncers who can't control themselves (what does that mean) is not the same level of a hook. So if you want to one line to work, you'll have to beef the hell out of that hook.