When a biochemical corporation manufactures implants that help millions live longer, they go from pariah to savior. But a longstanding critic remains unconvinced, and must battle the corporation and its backers to uncover the shocking secret behind the technology.

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5 reviews

SydneyPaul · Penpusher · 290 pts

Thanks all, as usual the feedback has greatly helped to clarify my thinking. I agree that the weakness of the original logline was not coming to the key conflict/story until the second sentence - the first sentence really gave backstory. So agree with a reworking along the lines Tor set out. Here's an attempt, let me know any further thoughts, thanks:

"An outsider scientist uncovers a shocking secret behind a biochemical implant that helps millions live longer and now must expose his findings before the corporation silences him.?

mmckean · Samurai · 690 pts

This sounds really good. It needs to have a little more conflict though. What stands in his way? Just investigating a biochemical company is interesting but you have to make it interesting enough for people to pay money to see it.

Tor Dollhouse · Samurai · 1,980 pts

p.s.

In the example I provided, you could replace "corporation" for "manufacturer".