by savinh0 · Showrunner · 2,300 pts
651 views
Categories: Romance
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The obstacle is not clear. If he truly loves her, he'll bite the bullet and cancel the plane ticket to stay with her.
Why not give him a moral dilemma? What if? He is engaged and his fiance is waiting for him to return from a business trip in time for their wedding. But he falls in love with his high school sweetheart in Hong Kong and must find out if she feels the same before canceling the ticket and sticking around or flying back to a woman he feels obliged to marry.
Great job with the inciting event. I think it's a cute story with potential.?Only thing I saw is that the irony is not clear. It's not strong enough to guarantee funding. Try adding stakes. Make the event risky. Maybe he's got a terminal disease. Maybe she's a monster from space. He must find a way to escape before she eats him. Something that will make us want to sit down and watch it. Right now it's just some dude trying to get?inside some girl's panties. It's what dudes do. I'm not sure I want to sit down and watch that. We just need something interesting to latch onto now.
It's a good first draft. Remove words and trim it down to the bare minimum: "A hopeless romantic runs into his childhood crush in Hong Kong..."
Great job with the inciting event. I think it's a cute story with potential.?Only thing I saw is that the irony is not clear. It's not strong enough to guarantee funding. Try adding stakes. Make the event risky. Maybe he's got a terminal disease. Maybe she's a monster from space. He must find a way to escape before she eats him. Something that will make us want to sit down and watch it. Right now it's just some dude trying to get?inside some girl's panties. It's what dudes do. I'm not sure I want to sit down and watch that. We just need something interesting to latch onto now.
It's a good first draft. Remove words and trim it down to the bare minimum: "A hopeless romantic runs into his childhood crush in Hong Kong..."
