Categories: Thriller
The Writing on the Wall
When a veteran intelligence officer, struggling to adjust to post-war life, begins to find secret codes everywhere she must follow the trail to satisfy her obsession. No matter how far that takes her.
Hi YaelEinstein.
Let’s see…
Intention: must follow the trail to satisfy her obsession.
Obstacle: ?
No matter how far that takes her. - we don’t need this add-on line. We already know she’s obsessed. We are what we do - right?
When a newly retired intelligence officer begins to find secret codes everywhere, (he uncovers a conspiracy and must solve it or else something really bad might happen.)
On the eve of his involuntary retirement, an intelligence officer begins seeing secret codes everywhere that resemble a conspiracy leading to a politician’s murder, however, no one will believe him. (“The no one will believe him” part could be a hook.)
On the eve of his retirement, an intelligence officer begins seeing secret codes everywhere that look like blueprints to a politician’s murder.
On the eve of his involuntary retirement, an intelligence officer begins seeing secret codes everywhere and becomes convinced if deciphers them properly, they will tell him who killed JFK, however, no one will believe him. (“The no one will believe him” part could be a hook.)
On the eve of her involuntary retirement, an intelligence officer begins seeing secret codes everywhere and when she becomes obsessed with deciphering them - her family begin receiving death threats.
(Added the family to give it some stakes. Will the price of finding out the truth - be his family and loved ones?
Tbh - I’m not sure what the term is when an intelligence officer is “involuntarily retired” but I put it in there to suggest something a bit fishy going on.
I wasn’t sure if the “struggling to adjust to post-war life” was needed. I figured - if she’s about to be retired and clearly clinging onto her old role in life/identity - that says more about her right?
YaelEinstein:
I get a sense there of an interesting story in your premise, but I'm not yet sure. Which is to say, I'm not quite hooked on the concept. And that's the primary purpose of a logline, to hook a producer or director on a story idea, to excite his imagine, to engage his curiosity enough to want to read the script. A logline is a sales pitch for the script.
RE:
>>>she must choose between accepting her life as it is or chasing a great adventure that may not be real<<<
As a general rule, loglines (and plots, since a logline is a summary of a plot) are not about characters having to make a choice. Loglines (and plots) are about the *choice made*. More specifically, the choice made to pursue an *objective goal*, to solve an *urgent* *problem* before dire consequences (* the stakes*) occur.
The current logline lacks the elements I have indicated with asterisks. These are elements producers and directors demand to see in a logline. If they don't see them, they're not going to read the script. I suggest you continue to brainstorm your concept for ideas to infuse your concept with in those elements.
fwiw
Good point. The question is whether she is imagining the codes and (her struggles to adjust to a “normal†life post war is driving her to imagine that she is still part of some great mission) or whether the codes are real and someone is really in trouble and dropping information that only she would understand.
Also a lot of people who worked in intelligence after the war had to keep their wartime work secret. So adjusting to life as an under appreciated woman during the late 40s would have been very difficult.
So I guess something like: when a wartime intelligence worker struggling to adjust to an unsatisfactory life post-war begins to see codes everywhere asking for help, she must choose between accepting her life as it is or chasing a great adventure that may not be real.
^ very badly worded, but maybe that makes the protagonist’s struggle clearer
