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Exhume
Thanks a lot for your help and interest in this log line.
Even though listless is similar to lackadaisical, they aren't exactly the same and I chose to use the latter because it more accurately describes his characteristics. This is someone who lacks determination or follow through. He has great intentions, he talks a lot of shit, but he never follows through with anything. His girlfriend has recently been on his case about this and he fears she will continue to harass him about it if he doesn't follow through with carrying out her burial wishes.
I used fearing being haunted? for a couple reasons. It doesn't necessarily refer to being haunted by a ghost. People can be haunted by many things, like a memory. The main character does fear being haunted by a ghost, but it's more than that. He fears that the person he loves more than anything in the world will never be put to rest the way she wanted because of his in ability to do anything he says he will. He fears he will always hear her disappointment resonating in his head. He does imagine seeing a ghost and perhaps believes it will follow him around forever, but it's more of a manifestation of his fear and guilt rather than a traditional haunting by a ghost.
I'm not completely sure, but I think the family should be included in the log line since they are the antagonists in the story. Also, I didn't intend to make the character a teenager, instead someone closer to his mid twenties.
I probably should move fearing being haunted? to the end of the log line. I'll see if I can figure out how to do that. ??
Better yet - omit the "near" death since that just defeats the purpose of making it suspenseful.
A listless teenager digs up his deceased girlfriend's body to properly respect her burial wishes after her terrorizing hauntings make him welcome death." Or something along those lines ....
Would help to know the genre that the writer seeks.
How's this? (This isn't even my logline haha):
A listless teenager digs up his deceased girlfriend's body to properly respect her burial wishes after her terrorizing hauntings bring him to near death.?
The rule I've heard from various sources for loglines is to NOT use names in loglines unless it's about a historical person, or somebody everybody knows who it is like Santa Claus.
It's better to refer to the protagonist by his or her profession ? or if they're young, mention whether they're in High School or College or whichever it is ? and an adjective like lackadaisical. I had to google that word, but that may have to do with English not being my first language.
Instead of him fearing being haunted just have him be haunted by his girl friend ? provided that is what happens in your screenplay ? and I'd move the mentioning of the haunting to the end of the logline.
The plot is not about deciding to dig up the body, it's about what happens after he digs it up. And loglines are about a specific objective goal; "odyssey of the heart" is vague and subjective.
What is the specific objective goal? What is the burial she wanted? At a special location? Cremation? What's at stake for the guy if he fails?
Your rewrite is better in size and context!
Here's my suggestion on clean up:
Troy decides to dig up his deceased girlfriend's body to properly respect her burial wishes after her terrorizing hauntings bring him to near death.?
I'm not sure it's essential to include the bit about the family since it's not necessary to the sales pitch?.
This was prior to your rewrite so I'll opine on it, too. But here are my thoughts on your first submission.
This sounds sick! Haha
Let's give some constructive criticism to help mold it into a better formatted logline.
Troy digs up the body of his deceased girlfriend to give her the proper burial she wanted after her overbearing family ignored her wishes, taking him on an odyssey of the heart.?
1. Loglines need to be concise and easily understood. Your original submission is wordy and one long run-on sentence. But it serves as a great starting point so good job!
2. My revision may sound fluffy, but I wanted to illustrate how you can take your idea and scale it down without sacrificing message or content.
3. Give your protagonist an identity ? using first names help or even a title such as Dr.? or Vice President? or Colonel?.
4. Is there potential for him to fail? If so, then what happens if he does?
5. Will the woman's family play an integral role in the story or is it just a backdrop?
6. Which genre are you leaning to since this could fall into any of the following: horror, sci-fi, drama (a sick drama haha), comedy
Hope to hear your thoughts and to re-read your revisions.
Thanks a lot for your response. I've rewritten the log line based on your notes:
Fearing being haunted, a lackadaisical man must dig up his recently deceased girlfriend's body and give her the burial she wanted when her overbearing family refuses to acknowledge her funeral wishes.
I like it, but it's a bit on the long side. ... Though, to be fair, my latest logline is a bit long as well.
By the look of things the boyfriend is the actual protagonist so maybe you should start with him.
A lackadaisical young man struggles to honor the funeral wishes of his recently deceased girlfriend, even if it means having to dig her body up from her overbearing family's prestigeous bureal plot, going against their wishes.
Something like that, maybe. But then there's the question, what are the stakes? What happens if he fails? Is there something utterly devastating that will happen if he doesn't honor his girlfriend's wishes?
