1. Posted: July 28, 2013In:

    When the objects, acting in concert worldwide, start refusing to help with bad actions for no apparent reason, it becomes the hell on earth for bad people but not yet heaven for the others. Will we be able to understand what things want to teach us: a lesson in humanity?

    andrewclau Logliner

    HI Jean-Marie, I don't understand your logline entirely but from what I can see, it comes across as an event, not a story. What are these "objects?" I think you need to work back into the logline who the protagonist of your story is and what his/her main objective is. What's at stake? Does this protRead more

    HI Jean-Marie, I don’t understand your logline entirely but from what I can see, it comes across as an event, not a story. What are these “objects?” I think you need to work back into the logline who the protagonist of your story is and what his/her main objective is. What’s at stake? Does this protagonist have a flaw? The last sentence in your logline “Will we be able to understand what things want to teach us: a lesson in humanity” is theme driven and should not be included in loglines.

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  2. Posted: July 26, 2013In:

    Horny camp counselors awaiting the arrival of their campers begin being picked off by a mysterious killer.

    andrewclau Logliner

    You definitely need to decide who the protagonist of this story is and what their goal is. What makes the killer so mysterious? What is the inciting incident of the story - what is the event that gets the story going?

    You definitely need to decide who the protagonist of this story is and what their goal is. What makes the killer so mysterious? What is the inciting incident of the story – what is the event that gets the story going?

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  3. Posted: June 25, 2013In:

    When human terrorists bomb the cybernetic population, a state-committed cybernetic enforcer adopts human form to infiltrate the cell and stop the bombings before billions of his cybernetic kin are murdered.

    andrewclau Logliner

    Thanks for the positive feedback. You're quite right about the "state-committed cybernetic enforcer" being overly dense. I was trying to communicate that he was naive, and that he blindly worked for the system that he was part of. Naive might have been the word to use! You may be right about removinRead more

    Thanks for the positive feedback. You’re quite right about the “state-committed cybernetic enforcer” being overly dense. I was trying to communicate that he was naive, and that he blindly worked for the system that he was part of. Naive might have been the word to use! You may be right about removing the “adopts human form” part as well – I put it in because I thought it might be a nice hook but not putting it there might create more interest.

    With this in mind the new logline is:

    When human terrorists bomb the cybernetic population, a naive cybernetic enforcer must infiltrate the human cell to stop the bombings before more of his kin are murdered.

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