1. Posted: September 5, 2012In:

    When a master assassin\'s family is captured by an evil king he must commit a series of murders whilst trying to free his family and escape

    Andrew Bates Logliner

    Hey gd77 I like it! if the character is a master assassin wouldn't he be wise/prepared for the unexpected? Maybe his pride is his flaw? Did he double cross the king? didn't finish a job? Change of ethics? Saying "evil King" doesn't come across evil enough to me, specially if the protagonist is an asRead more

    Hey gd77

    I like it!

    if the character is a master assassin wouldn’t he be wise/prepared for the unexpected? Maybe his pride is his flaw? Did he double cross the king? didn’t finish a job? Change of ethics?

    Saying “evil King” doesn’t come across evil enough to me, specially if the protagonist is an assassin!
    We want this guy to win, someone who kills for money, now that comes across more evil/sadistic than a evil king…evil as raising taxes? Make the king more evil…

    for example…Pulp Fiction – Hitman talking about their boss, “their boss throws a man off a balcony for giving his wife a foot massage” They made him seem more evil than them.

    Just a few points, best of luck!

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  2. Posted: September 3, 2012In:

    A lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach

    Andrew Bates Logliner

    Hey Geno. The thought of his brother being the rapist did come into my mind at one stage, even the father. A lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach, his brother, I'll work on it some more, wording seems flatRead more

    Hey Geno.

    The thought of his brother being the rapist did come into my mind at one stage, even the father.

    A lifeguard struggles to cope with his wife?s suicide, his ethics are tested when he discovers her rapist drowning at the local beach, his brother,

    I’ll work on it some more, wording seems flat…

    thanks again

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  3. Posted: September 2, 2012In:

    Struggling to relate to others, a pet psychiatrist spins out of control thanks to his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.

    Andrew Bates Logliner

    Hi Jim An acclaimed pet psychiatrist, notorious for poor interpersonal skills, risks his career, love, and sanity at the hands of his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.? Knowing the background now, it does show the intentions, but if its not powerful and easy to interpreRead more

    Hi Jim

    An acclaimed pet psychiatrist, notorious for poor interpersonal skills, risks his career, love, and sanity at the hands of his estranged wife, a high school crush, and an obsessed cat owner.?

    Knowing the background now, it does show the intentions, but if its not powerful and easy to interpret as a logline, would they even look at the synopsis?

    I like your logline, but it doesn’t jump out at me…here are a few factors

    *What is his goal? To save his marriage? To save his practice?
    *Who is the antagonist or obstacles (Jon being a major conflict to your story isn’t even mentioned in the logline) Steals his wife, threatens his practice…nasty written all over him. put him in your logline.
    *Where is the i.i? Is it his wife giving him the divorce papers? Discovering his best friend sleeping with his wife? or the high school crush kissing him? the obsessed cat owner threatening to sue?. (Inciting incidents are optional, but they do give us a clear indication of what has happened and that change is coming)

    The risks are great, the high school crush will be the catalyst/love interest (I assume) to self discovery, the obsessed cat owner is perfect, in a funny twist she could also be a guide in disguise. totally up to you.

    My spin…

    “When a dubious pet psychiatrist loses his wife to his rich best friend, a high school crush and a obsessed cat owner aid him in saving his practice and discover self worth.”

    I hope I’ve helped

    Andrew

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