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When a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.
Reviewed logline: An indigenous state ward is released from Juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family, who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated unless he helps them with a heist. I assume I re-post in this thread if I make changes to the logline for review. IRead more
Reviewed logline:
An indigenous state ward is released from Juvenile prison and fostered to a reputable white family, who threaten to lie to his parole officer and get him incarcerated unless he helps them with a heist.
I assume I re-post in this thread if I make changes to the logline for review. If not could someone please correct me otherwise if I get no response I’ll put back up on the main board.
I have made some changes due to a little rethink and thanks to the feedback given in this thread. Please be as brutal as necessary.
See lessWhen a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.
Sorry dpg I missed the final paragraph of your previous reply. I hadn't honestly thought to have my MC as indigenous Australian but I am now. Our policy is very similar to that of the Native American orphans. In most states there is an 'aboriginal child placement principal' which prioritises placemeRead more
Sorry dpg I missed the final paragraph of your previous reply.
I hadn’t honestly thought to have my MC as indigenous Australian but I am now.
Our policy is very similar to that of the Native American orphans. In most states there is an ‘aboriginal child placement principal’ which prioritises placement through several tiers before the possibility of being placed with a white family.? Usually begins with family of origin, family from community, carers who identify as aboriginal then white folks.
So it is possible to foster out an indigenous kid to a white family and I think it would definitely give the strength of connection to find his father and his own identity.
Also I do note what you’re saying about them not letting him out of their sight. Perhaps they simply threaten to lie to the authorities about the kid which will see him ‘breach his bail conditions’ and sent back inside.? And perhaps searching for his father only gets delayed and pushed aside while he deals with the dilemma in his new white foster home.
I will go away and think some more and try connect a better logline/story. Thanks so much for your deep thought and insight into this logline. To everyone else as well.
See lessWhen a young ward of the state is fostered to a crazy family planning a heist, he sets out to find his real father before being forced to engage in criminal activities that will see him back in juvenile prison.
LOGLINE REVIEW: When a ward of the state is fostered out to a family of crooks who claim to know where his real father is, he?s blackmailed into assisting them with a heist at the risk of going back to juvenile prison. Thank you for all your valuable feedback. The sense of urgency is there now as thRead more
LOGLINE REVIEW:
When a ward of the state is fostered out to a family of crooks who claim to know where his real father is, he?s blackmailed into assisting them with a heist at the risk of going back to juvenile prison.
Thank you for all your valuable feedback. The sense of urgency is there now as the MC will have to conduct a heist on his own to get the information he wants/needs about his fathers whereabouts. Why is this kid so eager to find his father? His simple need to love and to be loved. Here’s a kid who’s practically grown up in the Australian welfare system and is over being told by total strangers, under qualified social workers and councilors who he should be and how he should live his life. He’ll now do anything and risk everything to find the one thing he hopes will change his life for the better, to find his father.
See lessI do remember my last logline, dpg you asked me what my MC’s “special sauce” was. Perhaps that’s something I need to add into this already jam packed logline. I dont wish to make the same mistake as last time by getting 3/4 of the way into a feature script only to realise my story and MC were flat and not going to work as it stood. I want to get this concept right before pen goes to paper on this one. Nir shelter thanks for the alternate idea about his father but I wanted to keep the father out until 3rd act so it would be MC’s continual drive to find him. And if anyone’s wondering where the mother is in this story she’s dead. I look forward to hearing reviews on the newer version. Loving the direct feedback here.