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On his way to his last practice before the championship, a famous athlete sees a car speeding towards children at bus stop, and quickly decides to ram his car into the moving vehicle preventing a tragic accident but ends up killing the driver. Now he has to deal with the aftermath or his courageous, yet hasty decision.
Okay the story is the aftermath. ?You have given us a really strong inciting incident. ?What is the story? After causing a accident that saves kids but kills the driver an athlete must face a corrupt disciplinary board out to get him over a sponsorship deal gone wrong. This is not your story. ?But iRead more
Okay the story is the aftermath. ?You have given us a really strong inciting incident. ?What is the story?
After causing a accident that saves kids but kills the driver an athlete must face a corrupt disciplinary board out to get him over a sponsorship deal gone wrong.
This is not your story. ?But it describes some events. ?Tell us the story not a teaser. ?Try telling it from a goal point of view.
See lessAfter a clumsy socialist teacher loses again against his smart conservative brother in the elections, he leaves regional politics frustrated only to learn from his students that he has to become more ruthless to win the next time.
You have to be more economical with your words and don't give detail which isn't about the main story. ?For example clumsy has little to do with what I see the main story being. ?The other thing, is why does his students know more than he does? ?Does he learn by watching them? This is unclear. ?HereRead more
You have to be more economical with your words and don’t give detail which isn’t about the main story. ?For example clumsy has little to do with what I see the main story being. ?The other thing, is why does his students know more than he does? ?Does he learn by watching them? This is unclear. ?Here is how I would attack it.
After losing repeat elections to his conservative brother, a socialist school teacher abandons his morals and takes a ruthless road to victory.
from your first version I wasn’t sure if the story was about him winning or his education at the hands of his students. ?Plus the term “socialist teacher” for me hinted that he may be teaching socialism. ?That’s why I added “school” in the line.
See lessWhen a poor girl from Redfern learns her brother has died in the War, she must keep his memory alive by playing his favourite game- Rugby League. Trouble is, it’s 1921.
Just reorder it. ?No need to use the date as a surprise because it will be the setting and obvious in the establishing shots. ?Which war? WW1 was over by three years? ?Anyway here is how I would approach it. When her brother dies in WW1 a poor girl from Redfern is desperate to keep his memory aliveRead more
Just reorder it. ?No need to use the date as a surprise because it will be the setting and obvious in the establishing shots. ?Which war? WW1 was over by three years? ?Anyway here is how I would approach it.
When her brother dies in WW1 a poor girl from Redfern is desperate to keep his memory alive by playing his favour sport rugby league, but must overcome the racism and sexism of the time.
i am guessing you singled out Redfern as it had a large aboriginal community. ?But I am not sure that was the case in the 20’s. ?If that isn’t the case just drop all that detail; or say an aboriginal girl. ?Mostly because people outside Sydney (let alone Australia) would have no idea about Redfern. Is she isn’t aboriginal just a say “poor”.
Good story.
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