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In life Cailean struggled with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with Death Incarnate and he shows her the error of her ways and then offers her a second chance at life, but at a terrible price.
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn't tell enough story. "Struggled" hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don't need names. When an ex-addict dies "death" offers her a second chance... Don't leave vague elements, like "a terrible price".
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn’t tell enough story. “Struggled” hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don’t need names.
When an ex-addict dies “death” offers her a second chance…
Don’t leave vague elements, like “a terrible price”.
See lessA teenage girl returns home to her whole family executed and must go undercover to find her family's killers where she finds that she isn't fully human.
Hidden, Dark Crane, I know these are races but they take me out of your story. Mix your two versions. I am not sure someone encounters memory loss, they may experience it. Forget about all the colour and movement. Just list the story elements. A girl, murdered family, wants to solve murder. So whatRead more
Hidden, Dark Crane, I know these are races but they take me out of your story. Mix your two versions. I am not sure someone encounters memory loss, they may experience it.
See lessForget about all the colour and movement. Just list the story elements. A girl, murdered family, wants to solve murder. So what is stopping her?
In your logline she discovers she isn?t human, so does that help or hinder? What does that mean in the story?
I can feel that there is a strong story line in there. It just needs to be teased out.
A teenage girl returns home to her whole family executed and must go undercover to find her family's killers where she finds that she isn't fully human.
Hidden, Dark Crane, I know these are races but they take me out of your story. Mix your two versions. I am not sure someone encounters memory loss, they may experience it. Forget about all the colour and movement. Just list the story elements. A girl, murdered family, wants to solve murder. So whatRead more
Hidden, Dark Crane, I know these are races but they take me out of your story. Mix your two versions. I am not sure someone encounters memory loss, they may experience it.
See lessForget about all the colour and movement. Just list the story elements. A girl, murdered family, wants to solve murder. So what is stopping her?
In your logline she discovers she isn?t human, so does that help or hinder? What does that mean in the story?
I can feel that there is a strong story line in there. It just needs to be teased out.