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After the contamination system traps three research assistants in an underground lab, they discover the leaked gas triggers a psychopathic cannibalistic rage in the lab rats. (For MEETUP)
I don't think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you're on a winner. As an example. A research assistant is trap underground after aRead more
I don’t think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you’re on a winner.
As an example.
A research assistant is trap underground after a contamination system locks. The leaked gas has produced psychopathic behaviour in her co-workers. She must now fight for her life while trying to escape this subterranean (prison). Prison is the wrong word. You know your story, so you know the best beats to add in. If you have a time pressure to add, even better. So after “Prison” you could add “before….”. So “before the facility is sealed forever” adds even more stakes and more pace.
I like these types of stories, good luck.
See lessAfter the contamination system traps three research assistants in an underground lab, they discover the leaked gas triggers a psychopathic cannibalistic rage in the lab rats. (For MEETUP)
I don't think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you're on a winner. As an example. A research assistant is trap underground after aRead more
I don’t think we need her personality prior to the incident. Dropping this could save you some words and give the line more pace. If she has to kill to survive, and survival is her aim. State that clearly and I think you’re on a winner.
As an example.
A research assistant is trap underground after a contamination system locks. The leaked gas has produced psychopathic behaviour in her co-workers. She must now fight for her life while trying to escape this subterranean (prison). Prison is the wrong word. You know your story, so you know the best beats to add in. If you have a time pressure to add, even better. So after “Prison” you could add “before….”. So “before the facility is sealed forever” adds even more stakes and more pace.
I like these types of stories, good luck.
See lessIn life Cailean struggled with addiction and hurt the people closest to her, now she comes face to face with Death Incarnate and he shows her the error of her ways and then offers her a second chance at life, but at a terrible price.
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn't tell enough story. "Struggled" hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don't need names. When an ex-addict dies "death" offers her a second chance... Don't leave vague elements, like "a terrible price".
What is her goal? What is at stake? Well written, but doesn’t tell enough story. “Struggled” hints that she is an ex-addict. Plus, you don’t need names.
When an ex-addict dies “death” offers her a second chance…
Don’t leave vague elements, like “a terrible price”.
See less