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When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.
"But she?s trapped in the fire stairwell between the fire, and the gunman who?s camped out at the fire exit. That?s the premise I?m trying to convey." I think I misread the logline a little. But anyway: First of all, did the gunman set the fire? Second, you lacked a goal your version. You said she hRead more
“But she?s trapped in the fire stairwell between the fire, and the gunman who?s camped out at the fire exit. That?s the premise I?m trying to convey.”
I think I misread the logline a little. But anyway:
First of all, did the gunman set the fire?
Second, you lacked a goal your version. You said she has to outwit him, but why? Outwit him to do what? It’s implied that it’s to survive, but you left it vague.
See lessWhen corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.
"When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman." Example:?When a deranged gunman breaks into a corporate building and starts gunning down employees, a PR girl must find a way toRead more
“When corporate employees escaping a building blaze are machine-gunned down at the fire exit, a PR girl becomes trapped in a stairwell, and must outwit a deranged gunman.”
Example:?When a deranged gunman breaks into a corporate building and starts gunning down employees, a PR girl must find a way to outwit the gunman so she can save her daughter.?(~32 words)
In your version, the motivation isn’t compelling enough. If the gunman hasn’t spotted her, the thing to do would be to run and let the police handle it. But if her daughter is stuck inside, well, most mothers would do anything to save her child.
See less?In order to help create an international antiterrorism taskforce, the D. o. D. Director of Psychological Operations Dr. Samantha Ryan struggles to overcome her ex husband and the terrorists with whom he is associated.?
Presario: I've looked through the past attempts of this logline, and the problem is recurring: in each one, the one thing you're missing is what the?wife does. The protagonist. For example:?"When a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out tRead more
Presario: I’ve looked through the past attempts of this logline, and the problem is recurring: in each one, the one thing you’re missing is what the?wife does. The protagonist.
For example:?“When a government agent is sent to work on a new naval submarine, she discoveres that her ex-husband is out to kill her.”
All you need is what specifically she aims to do. Does she want to kill her husband? Does she try to get him arrested again? What is her goal, and then what does she do to achieve it? This does not need an explanation of all of the plot points as you posted last time.
Since in your last version you brought up Star Wars(I still don’t understand what point you were trying to make), I’ll use it as the example. In “A New Hope”:
Inciting incident: Luke Skywalker returns to his home and finds that the Stormtroopers have attacked it and killed his family(not Padame being killed which is what I think you were trying to suggest), which leads to…
Goal: Luke decides to help Ben Kenobi rescue Princess Leia from the Empire, and to help destroy their superweapon which leads to…
Action: Luke begins to train to be Jedi and he and Ben hire Han Solo to fly them.
That’s really what a logline should contain.
See lessWhen his family is killed by soldiers, a young farm boy must rescue a princess from the evil Empire to help destroy their planet-destroying superweapon. (~25 words)