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A horrendous tragedy befalls the Golden Boy of corporate America and his Fianc? forcing them to deal with it in two different but equally destructive ways, taking one of them to the brink of life and death.
"A horrendous tragedy befalls the Golden Boy of corporate America and his Fianc? forcing them to deal with it in two different but equally destructive ways, taking one of them to the brink of life and death." What is the tragedy? Specifically. This is the inciting incident, describe it. Since they dRead more
“A horrendous tragedy befalls the Golden Boy of corporate America and his Fianc? forcing them to deal with it in two different but equally destructive ways, taking one of them to the brink of life and death.”
What is the tragedy? Specifically. This is the inciting incident, describe it.
See lessSince they deal with it in different ways, I suggest only focusing on one of them for the logline. What does he/she do? Specifically. What is the goal of the character?
Check out the ‘Training’ tab at the top of the page to get a formula for forming a proper logline.
In search of her origins, a confused young woman learns her father may have been a Decorated War Vet, however not from earth, now she finds herself in a fight to survive against a relentless alien warrior and a greedy corporation after her unique DNA
"In search of her origins, a orphaned young? women learns her father may have been a Decorated War Vet, who?s not from earth, now she finds herself in a fight to survive against a relentless alien Warrior and a greedy corporation after her unique DNA" I think 'orphan' covers 'in search of her originRead more
“In search of her origins, a orphaned young? women learns her father may have been a Decorated War Vet, who?s not from earth, now she finds herself in a fight to survive against a relentless alien Warrior and a greedy corporation after her unique DNA”
I think ‘orphan’ covers ‘in search of her origins’. Focus more on the discovery and you can cut this out. So does she find out her father is a war vet or not? No need for ‘may’. If she finds out, say it. If she doesn’t, why is it in the logline? I think it would be simpler to say something more along the lines of “discovers her father is an alien soldier”.
As a result of finding out about her father’s alien origins, what does she aim to do? What goal arises? Is her goal to defeat the alien warrior or the corporation.
I’m not sure the inciting incident is very good. What really starts the story??How?does she discover her father’s origins? Does the corporation attack her and reveal the information? Does she find another alien and is told by them?
Example:?When an orphan is attacked by a corporation, she must keep her DNA away from them and prevent them from creating an alien army.?(~24 words)
See lessWanting to go legit a young drug dealer must do one last run to rescue her sister being held hostage by her boss; knowing she be going to be killed.
"I find often that if a logline can?t be structured well enough to read on its own, it?s indicative of a problem in the story." Part of the problem is that if it's your story, you tend to think every single detail is absolutely important and perfect, and so you want to stuff as much of this awesomenRead more
“I find often that if a logline can?t be structured well enough to read on its own, it?s indicative of a problem in the story.”
Part of the problem is that if it’s your story, you tend to think every single detail is absolutely important and perfect, and so you want to stuff as much of this awesomeness you’ve created into your logline as possible.
“Doug is a ?Drug F%%ked? low level want-a-be drug boss. ?He uses as product as he sells. ”
If Doug’s supposed to be a high, impulsive, stupid kind of guy, then how in the world is the boss of anyone? How is he not in jail? As of now, him kidnapping Ella is just an event you need to happen to make the plot to continue. It isn’t a logical thing any good dealer(meaning one that isn’t in jail) would do based on suspicion alone. It would be easier to just kill the suspected person.
The problem is that if Doug is so stupid, how is he of any good as an antagonist to a drug runner who regularly has to use her wits and creativity to outsmart the authorities? You’re intentionally making the antagonist stupid so the main character is guaranteed to win no matter what; her 13 year old sister is able to escape from him!
If the Joker were actually stupid, then he wouldn’t be the villain that he is. He wouldn’t be the one to cause the most psychological problems Batman has faced in all of comic history.
If an antagonist is stupid it needs to have a different element to challenge the MC. Zombies are numerous and mindless; they simple won’t stop until they eat your brain. Likewise, the titans in “Attack on Titan” are giant, incredibly strong creatures who eat humans for no reason. Behind every mook with a gun there is always the Big Man, the guy who pulls all the strings and is the smarts of the operation.
The antagonist needs to challenge the protagonist either physically, psychologically,?spiritually, something.
Doug is just kind of there. Amy doesn’t defeat him, well, at all. She doesn’t overcome the challenges he throws at her, because he doesn’t really challenge her. He is defeated by his own incompetence, and by a 13 year old girl. Amy should be the one to win, or lose by the antagonist’s hand, and because of the trials she faces she should change as a person. I think you need to rethink your antagonist.
Last thing: If the sacrifice is tacked on to the end of the story, after the goal is already complete, then it means little. If Amy were to sacrifice herself in order to rescue her sister, it would be noble, it would fit the character. But just deciding after her sister is safe to die means that she’s leaving her sister without her; it doesn’t really fit the character.
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