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Wanting to go legit a young drug dealer must do one last run to rescue her sister being held hostage by her boss; knowing she be going to be killed.
"?Her only chance is with her ex-girl friend who has gone legit. For this to happen Amy must die." I still don't see exactly why Ella is kidnapped. It's only a noticeable crime that will have consequences for Doug. There is no motive to kidnap the sister. The very thing he's trying to prevent is briRead more
“?Her only chance is with her ex-girl friend who has gone legit. For this to happen Amy must die.”
I still don’t see exactly why Ella is kidnapped. It’s only a noticeable crime that will have consequences for Doug. There is no motive to kidnap the sister. The very thing he’s trying to prevent is bringing attention to himself by making sure Amy isn’t an informant, which again, why would he kidnap someone based on a suspicion? But he’s bringing unwanted attention….in order to prevent unwanted attention?
And why must Amy die? If Doug knows about her sister, she is not safe. Amy dying only leaves her sister without her protection.
If Ella frees herself and then Amy just dies for the heck of it, it has no impact. The goal already complete, and unless it’s for setting up a sequel, the death is extraneous. It is not earned. Amy did not die because of a complete dedication to her goal, which was already complete. It was because after the fact she got the idea that her sister’s life would be better without her. It doesn’t really develop her character, it serves nothing.
If the story is about a woman trying to go legit after a life of crime, so she give her sister a better life, then focus on that.
Example:?When her sister is shot by a rival gang, a drug runner must steal enough money from her drug boss to get out of a life of crime and protect her sister.?(~32 words)
This focuses on that: Amy realizing what her life is doing to her sister, and now she must do something to get away from it.
See lessWanting to go legit a young drug dealer must do one last run to rescue her sister being held hostage by her boss; knowing she be going to be killed.
"If you do not want Amy to directly rescue her sister from the clutches of the drug dealer, then I suggest you need to revise the logline to eliminate that expectation. ?Otherwise it is misleading.Just saying." Agree. What is the story really about? What is the action which causes everything else inRead more
“If you do not want Amy to directly rescue her sister from the clutches of the drug dealer, then I suggest you need to revise the logline to eliminate that expectation. ?Otherwise it is misleading.Just saying.”
Agree. What is the story really about? What is the action which causes everything else in the story? Is it Amy wanting to go legit or is it Amy wanting to save her sister?
See lessAfter being held hostage on a first date for her suitor’s substantial drug debt, a teenage girl must rob her parents anonymously.
"After being held hostage on a first date for her suitor?s substantial drug debt, a teenage girl must rob her parents anonymously." Quite simply, why? It is not her debt. If she is released from being a hostage, all she has to do is call the police, and then it's someone else problem, namely the datRead more
“After being held hostage on a first date for her suitor?s substantial drug debt, a teenage girl must rob her parents anonymously.”
Quite simply, why?
It is not her debt. If she is released from being a hostage, all she has to do is call the police, and then it’s someone else problem, namely the date’s.
There needs to be a reasonable action caused from the inciting incident.
Example:?When her rich parents refuse to pay a debt she inherits after her boyfriend’s death, a teenage girl must rob her parents so she can satisfy the gang collecting the money.?(~31 words)
See lessThe action is logical, her parents refuse to pay, so she has to steal the money or else the gang will come after her.