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After her daughter is brutally assaulted and raped by a group of racist boys at school, a tough Vietnamese beautician seeks to torture the boys’ mothers at her beauty salon.
"After her daughter is brutally assaulted and raped by a group of racist boys at school, a tough Vietnamese beautician seeks to torture the boys? mothers at her beauty salon."First off, why would she torture the mothers? They didn't do the raping. The inciting incident does not logically cause the cRead more
“After her daughter is brutally assaulted and raped by a group of racist boys at school, a tough Vietnamese beautician seeks to torture the boys? mothers at her beauty salon.”
First off, why would she torture the mothers? They didn’t do the raping. The inciting incident does not logically cause the course of action your character takes.?
While revenge is able to make an audience sympathetic, torturing innocent women, at least that’s how you’ve painted them, makes her unsympathetic. There is no reason to root for.
I suggest finding a new goal. Perhaps, getting them to pay for their crimes the legal way?
See lessA story that kind of has similarities, “Dexter” ?at least makes the titular character a vigilante; when he starts out he only kills killers.
Your character?tortures innocent mothers with children at home.
Fleeing an unseen force controlling their minds, an old man and his two nieces hijack a woman’s car only to discover she’s already picked up a familiar hitchhiker.
"When a family of monster hunters carjack a?woman whose mind is being?controlled by the same monster they?re trying to escape, they must regain their freewill and kill the monster before it becomes more powerful."The inciting incident does not describe an event which causes the family to pursue theRead more
“When a family of monster hunters carjack a?woman whose mind is being?controlled by the same monster they?re trying to escape, they must regain their freewill and kill the monster before it becomes more powerful.”
The inciting incident does not describe an event which causes the family to pursue the Story Goal. You are describing an ongoing story. What is the beginning? The event should be something out of their control.
For example, since you’re probably familiar with it, Spider-Man’s inciting incident is when he doesn’t use his powers to stop a criminal who then goes on to kill his uncle. Peter Parker then decides to use his powers to live up to his uncle’s teachings.
Or, Star Wars, Luke Skywalker decides to go with Ben Kenobi only when he returns home and finds that the Empire has killed his family. That event, a result of an action out of his control, is what makes him decide to learn to be Jedi and go with Ben.
You have a goal now, which is better.
“About the invisible monster controlling their minds? what do we actually SEE?”
FFF has a point, but I think you could take this a different way. Rather than show the monster, show the effect is has as it tries to attack this family. That could make a great inciting incident. The monster itself doesn’t attack itself, but it sends someone the family trusts to attack. Then they have to flee and find the reason that their friend attacked them. And then as they try to find the monster, it sends more people to attack.
Example:?When his wife suddenly attacks them, a monster hunter and his two nieces must find the monster controlling people and kill it.?(~23 words)
SPOILER FOR “JESSICA JONES”:
?
A similar tactic is used in Marvel’s Netflix series. The villain, Kilgrave, uses his mind control to manipulate Jessica and complete his goal. For instance, he makes a man fall onto a pair of shears in front of her. He makes people run at her as she chases him. He forces people he makes help him to commit suicide, including his parents, whom Jessica brought to talk to him once she captured him.?
See lessObsessed with causality, a mathematician creates future simulation software only for it to predict he’ll die in three days unless he is prepared to kill a complete stranger, who is somehow connected to his fate, but instead he begins falling for her
"Using mysterious prediction software granted to him in his father?s will, a failing business owner discovers the day he?ll die and must kill a woman he?s never met in three days to alter his fate, only for things to become complicated when he begins to fall for her." Okay, good, you have a clear goRead more
“Using mysterious prediction software granted to him in his father?s will, a failing business owner discovers the day he?ll die and must kill a woman he?s never met in three days to alter his fate, only for things to become complicated when he begins to fall for her.”
Okay, good, you have a clear goal. To alter his fate. But how can we root for him if he’s killing an innocent woman just so he can live?
I think you should change the goal from killing to something else entirely. Killing someone to save one’s own life just isn’t a very sympathetic goal.
Since you include a romance angle in your logline, I shall do the same in my example.
Example:?When a prediction software he inherited from his father tells him the day he’ll die, a failing business owner must seduce a woman to have a child to alter his fate.?(~31 words)
So, good goal, but I suggest finding a different action.
See less