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After trapping himself in an alternate universe, a Mage and his split consciousness must commune with the common realm to defeat the dark forces that threaten their existence.
I think for the logline, using one specific goal the Mage wishes to stop is best. A character's goal doesn't really dictate whether or not they are interesting/3 dimensional on it's own. ?Perhaps, make one goal the one which the MC focuses on, and then another is a goal which is completed, making thRead more
I think for the logline, using one specific goal the Mage wishes to stop is best. A character’s goal doesn’t really dictate whether or not they are interesting/3 dimensional on it’s own. ?Perhaps, make one goal the one which the MC focuses on, and then another is a goal which is completed, making the villain win while still being defeated. (Which opens it up sequels/spin-offs)
See less“>>>the pupil would never be able to succeed without the help of the Mage, but the Mage could potentially succeed without the pupil.Would Luke Skywalker have have been able to succeed without help from Obi-Wan and Yoda? ?Yet, he?s clearly the main character, the designated hero.”
The fact is, there are already so many stories which focus on a young person underdog overcoming a great empire. (Often using the “Mighty Whitey” trope where a white(usually male) has to learn another culture’s ways and then becomes better at ?the culture than they are.) Using an experienced protagonist(A common occurence in the Urban Fantasy sub-genre) gives a different take.
“In a race against time, a wizard, trapped in an alternate dimension, must train two in his place to defeat a wicked king hell-bent on amassing an inter-dimensional army.”
Hmm. I like it. I think the race against time part could be cut, maybe change it a little to imply that it’s a race against time.
Suggestion: A wizard trapped in an alternate dimension must train two pupils in order to stop a wicked king before he can amass an inter-dimensional army. (~25 words)
I added in ‘before’ instead of ‘race against time’ because it implies the same. The wording, though, makes it seem like the two pupils are more of the MC than the mage. So I have another.
Suggestion:?A wizard trapped in another dimension must contact his pupils across dimensions in order to return home so he can stop a wicked king before he amasses an inter-dimensional army.?(~30 words)
One last one, trying to tie in his split consciousness again:?A wizard separated from his consciousness in an alternate dimension must contact his two pupils in order to return home to stop a wicked king before he amasses an inter-dimensional army.?(~32 words)
And besides, there?is?an audience for stories about adults. Not all adults want to watch/read about a young child using magic better than the adults who have studied it much longer. (Especially that dreadful ‘Chosen One’ nonsense.)
I suggest?The Dresden Files(both books and TV show)?by Jim Butcher, and?The Libriomancer series by Jim C. Hines. Both are excellent Urban Fantasy book series, and there’s a whole lot more featuring female protagonists.
After trapping himself in an alternate universe, a Mage and his split consciousness must commune with the common realm to defeat the dark forces that threaten their existence.
"It?s a fair guess that he would have to regain his powers". I didn't put that because that's what I thought the story was about; I was just making up my own plot to give a n example. "After trapping himself in an alternate universe, a Mage and his split consciousness must commune with his new pupilRead more
“It?s a fair guess that he would have to regain his powers”. I didn’t put that because that’s what I thought the story was about; I was just making up my own plot to give a n example.
“After trapping himself in an alternate universe, a Mage and his split consciousness must commune with his new pupil in the common realm to put an end to their King?s nefarious reign.”?(32 words)
My point, however, was that you don’t paint the split conciousness as an obstacle or a goal. So as you have it now I suggest you either change it in the logline to reflect the obstacle it presents, or what specific role it plays in the story, or remove it from the logline. Because if you were to remove it from the logline now, it would change relatively nothing at all.
You have a pretty good version, you give your character a goal, and what he’s doing to achieve it. (On another note, I suggest you consider making your character either a female or a person of color to add more diversity to the genre.(assuming it is a white male as of now)) However, since you mention the antagonist, I suggest possibly adding in a specific goal the villain has, to increase the stakes in the logline.
Also, just a thought, but consider making the villain be the one who traps the Mage in the alternate universe.
Example(again me just making stuff up for this):?When the corrupt king traps him in an alternate universe, a Mage must?control his separated consciousness?in order to get his pupil’s help to return to stop the king.?(~30 words)
Another example:
When a Mage is separated from his consciousness and imprisoned in an alternate universe, he must control his consciousness to get his pupil’s in order to return and stop the King. (31 words)
Again, I gave the split consciousness a vital reason to be in the logline, it is the tool he must use in order to return.
See lessOne last note, might add an interesting element to have the Mage depowered or weakened to put him in the situation of having to do things he normally might use his magic for.
After trapping himself in an alternate universe, a Mage and his split consciousness must commune with the common realm to defeat the dark forces that threaten their existence.
The split consciousness part is intriguing, however, is it necessary for the logline? "Dark forces" is too vague. Is it a demon? An opposing Mage? How do they threaten the Mage's existence? Example, using elements from your story: When a Mage is split from his consciousness in an alternate universe,Read more
The split consciousness part is intriguing, however, is it necessary for the logline?
See less“Dark forces” is too vague. Is it a demon? An opposing Mage? How do they threaten the Mage’s existence?
Example, using elements from your story: When a Mage is split from his consciousness in an alternate universe, he must communicate with his original universe to regain his powers and destroy the demon army all universes.?(~30 words)