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A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
"Ben?s dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy." Take out the first part altogether. The main character is identified, but don't use names.Read more
“Ben?s dream of having a home again is within his reach? But when he confronts a member of his homeless group in order to protect a woman he inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy.”
See lessTake out the first part altogether.
The main character is identified, but don’t use names.
He has a goal, to not be homeless.
What action does he take to achieve his goal? You still have not given a specific answer to this question.
Besides, how is it that one homeless man confronting another(not specific enough because while it is implied, he could simply verbally confront him which would make less sense) homeless man “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy”? Again, be specific.
So, basically, my suggestion is to cut out the first part, and replace “inadvertently puts his only chance out of homelessness in jeopardy” with a clear action he takes to not be homeless. Also, make sure the action is clearly connected to the inciting incident.
A lawsuit for his wife?s injury offers a homeless group leader a ticket out? until a member of his flock threatens to testify. Now he must resort to extreme measure to stop him.
"When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity."The incident does not have a clear connectionRead more
“When a leader of a group takes a stand for a woman in his flock he is forced to re-examine his values in?cruel, merciless world of the homeless in which some fall all the way to the bottom, while?a few struggle?to retain some remnants of human dignity.”
The incident does not have a clear connection to being “forced to re-examine his values”. Aside from the fact that that is vague, it needs to have a clear connection to the inciting incident.
The logline should answer these questions:
Who is the protagonist? Which yours does.
What is ?his goal? Yours does not answer this clearly. An objective goal. Does he want to be able to have a house again? Does he want to kill someone? Does he want to stop someone from dying? Does he need to find medicine for someone who is sick? Define a clear goal, that the inciting incident sparks.
What does he do in order to achieve his goal? Does he find himself a good job in order to pay for a house? Does he try to get a loan? Does he get a gun and track down someone to kill? Does he go on a journey in the wilderness to find an ancient cure?
Define the goal and the action the protagonist takes to reach it, and you have your logline.
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Inflicted with PTSD from a young age, a mute street performer is abandoned by his troupe as France becomes occupied by the Nazi Wehrmacht. Faced with the choice to escape to neutral Switzerland or fight, he joins the French Resistance as a code-breaker and infiltrates the Nazi regime. His tactics shift when he learns what?s happening to the countless civilians going missing.
Before I review your new version, I have something to say. ?We take the time to review these loglines in order to help people, and in turn hope that they will return the favor when we post our own ideas. So, of course you don't need to use our suggestions, but please consider that we take time out oRead more
Before I review your new version, I have something to say. ?We take the time to review these loglines in order to help people, and in turn hope that they will return the favor when we post our own ideas. So, of course you don’t need to use our suggestions, but please consider that we take time out of our days to read and type up our thoughts on your logline, so appreciate it. In Nir’s review, he said that he was using your idea as an example, trying to give you good start to change it to fit your story, but I suppose you thought he was trying to force you to change you story.
See lessAnyway, the inciting incident should have a clear connection to the rest of the plot. If there is not an inciting incident that can be clearly connected to the plot within the logline, then I would say go without one, or else it may just cause confusion.
“Alone in a foreign land, mute street performer, Lincoln Hoch, inspires the French Resistance to look at liberty with a different perspective of authentic freedom.”
First, I would say take out the name, it doesn’t add much.
Then, replace “inspires the French Resistance to look at liberty with a different perspective of authentic freedom”?with what he specifically does to do this. Establish stakes, what will happen if he doesn’t take this action? ?Clearly indicate in the logline what the character’s motivation is, which is usually what the inciting incident does, but if you choose to not use one, then give him a clear motivation in another way.