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After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.
"After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell." This loglRead more
“After dying, Psychiatrist Ray Sandler and his secretary Caroline Neuwirth discover that they have gone to Hell and not Heaven. But there is hope in the form of Ben, a demon who offers both Ray and Caroline a chance to return to Earth, but at a cost. They must agree to get souls for Hell.”
This logline includes many many problems that go against the standard logline structure. I suggest studying the Formula tab at the top of the page, and also other people’s posts to see how they form loglines and the feedback they receive before you make another attempt.
For example, loglines don’t use the names of fictional characters. The names mean absolutely nothing to someone who doesn’t know the story, and should be replaced by describing a trait of the person. Especially a character flaw.
Another thing is that the them dying is implied by simply stating that they go to Hell.
And why does the demon need them to go get souls? Why can’t he or someone else do it? Why does anyone have to go get souls? What is the internal logic of the world you’ve developed?
The logline is labelled as Horror. But this logline does not describe a Horror situation.
Here’s an example, using some elements from your post:?After they are sent to Hell, a manipulative psychiatrist and his stubborn secretary make a deal with a demon in order to return to earth.
Along with the points above, why do they need to go back to Earth? This logline raises too many logic and world building questions.
I hope this helps.
See lessIn her online search for ?Mr. Right,? a timid computer programmer builds an algorithm that evolves into a rogue Artificial Intelligence?which the government wants to terminate.
"In her online search for ?Mr. Right,? a timid computer programmer builds an algorithm that evolves into a rogue Artificial Intelligence?which the government wants to terminate." This logline sets up only a situation. It establishes the beginning status quo of the film, or show(I assume film). EitheRead more
“In her online search for ?Mr. Right,? a timid computer programmer builds an algorithm that evolves into a rogue Artificial Intelligence?which the government wants to terminate.”
This logline sets up only a situation. It establishes the beginning status quo of the film, or show(I assume film). Either way, ?at the beginning she has the algorithm/A.I. Now, since the government wants to destroy it, what is the event that alerts the protagonist to this antagonist? ?Do they try to steal it, breaking into her home/lab/whatever? Do they try to kill her? ?As a result of the inciting incident, what does she do? I assume she wants to protect the A.I or use it for something specific. How does she go about doing this?
Is there a specific antagonist who can be identified? The agent in charge, a specific solider, someone? In other words, who is the Darth Vader among the Storm Troopers of your story?
Here’s an example using elements from your post:?After her lab is broken into, a timid computer programmer must track and destroy the rogue A.I she accidentally created before the government kills her for it. (27)
In order to gain a better understanding of loglines, I recommend studying the Formula tab at the top of the page, and even more importantly, reviewing and studying other people’s loglines, and the feedback they receive. Once you can identify what works and what doesn’t in other loglines, then it will help your own.
See less“Stranded in Mexico without ID, a down and out Mexican American must sneak back over the boarder if he’s to achieve his dream of seeing his beloved East L.A. again” (A logline example for the movie “Born in East L.A.”)
Looking at the IMDb, it is interesting because the description is one that is closer to what we consider a logline and not a blurb, but still a bit too vague. That said, if you're looking for a polish on your logline, I think the IMBd description describes an inciting incident while yours doesn't. IRead more
Looking at the IMDb, it is interesting because the description is one that is closer to what we consider a logline and not a blurb, but still a bit too vague.
That said, if you’re looking for a polish on your logline, I think the IMBd description describes an inciting incident while yours doesn’t.
It is:?When a native-born American citizen of Mexican descent is mistakenly deported to Mexico, he has to risk everything to get back home.
I haven’t seen the film, but I think a combination of your version and the IMDb info would make for a shorter logline:?After he is deported to Mexico, a Mexican American must sneak?over the border so he can return to his beloved home in East L.A. (25)
See less