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Rework: When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. Not sure of genre… Suggestions?
"When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. " The first thing I can think of is that the fact that he/she is divorced has nothing to do with plot, and is of no importance to the logline. RepRead more
“When a witness and two cops are killed, a divorced Homicide Detective must solve a space piracy fraud and track two murderers to capture the mastermind. ”
The first thing I can think of is that the fact that he/she is divorced has nothing to do with plot, and is of no importance to the logline. Replace it with an adjective that describes the character’s personality, especially if it is a character flaw which creates an obstacle for the character. The second thing is that the logline presents two goals: solving the fraud and finding the mastermind. Even if the fraud leads to finding the mastermind, the overall goal is the capture so focus on that for the logline.
Also, I think you need to tie in the mastermind more to the logline. What exactly has he/she orchestrated? How is the murder of a witness and two cops playing into this person’s grand plan?
Example:?When a witness and two cops are killed, an impulsive homicide detective must track two contract killers to find the mastermind. (21)
My example just includes the first two suggestions but I would need more information in order to make a better one.
See lessI hope this helps.
Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town.
"Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town." Rather than "Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government andRead more
“Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party, local man joins rebels on life-risking mission for exchange of safe passage for him and his pregnant wife out of the quarantined town.”
Rather than “Due to imminent war conflict between magisterial government and local guerilla party” the inciting incident should be a specific event. Is there an attack that the man witnesses? Is his mother or father or sibling killed? Basically, what compels the man to take on this dangerous mission? And rather than describe it as “life-risking” describe a little of what it entails. Does he have fight against soldiers? Climb buildings? What does he have to do that is so dangerous?
Here’s an example:?After he survives an attack at work, a local man must complete a running mission for the rebels for safe passage for him and his pregnant wife to get away from the civil war. (34)
Not the best example but I tried to include the suggestions I gave to you.
See lessI hope this helps.
Noise Control Beta – In a world where to perceive a forbidden noise is the highest crime, a cop whose wife starts hearing it must find its origin in the desperate attempt to save her.
Going off of what others have said, perhaps it would be better for the protagonist to be the one who hears the noise. The cop hears the noise and then goes against the rules, and also questions them as he tries to figure out what this noise is and why it is illegal to hear it. "the problem is that tRead more
Going off of what others have said, perhaps it would be better for the protagonist to be the one who hears the noise. The cop hears the noise and then goes against the rules, and also questions them as he tries to figure out what this noise is and why it is illegal to hear it.
“the problem is that the gouvernement says the noise doesn?t even exist”
If the government denies the noise exists, then how can they make it a crime to hear this noise?
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