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Halo Effect -Can a bookish FBI agent catch a mobster after repulsive prison food turns him from a funny fat man to a charismatic mob boss and motivational guru. Or will his face prove too irresistible?
"Can a bookish FBI agent catch a mobster after repulsive prison food turns him from a funny fat man to a charismatic mob boss and motivational guru. Or will his face prove too irresistible?" A logline should not be the dramatic question of a story. It should be a sentence that raises that question.Read more
“Can a bookish FBI agent catch a mobster after repulsive prison food turns him from a funny fat man to a charismatic mob boss and motivational guru. Or will his face prove too irresistible?”
A logline should not be the dramatic question of a story. It should be a sentence that raises that question. What does this mobster do which prompts the agent to catch him? After he’s gone through his transformation, you don’t describe anything the FBI should be spending their time on.
See lessBERSERKER When a pack of vampires rampaging through Los Angeles murder his loved ones, a pacifist has one night to unleash his inner demon turning the hunters into the hunted
"When a pack of vampires rampaging through Los Angeles murder his loved ones, a pacifist has one night to unleash his inner demon turning the hunters into the hunted" The inciting incident is worded a bit awkwardly. I think the idea is interesting of a pacifist, having to go outside of his comfort zRead more
“When a pack of vampires rampaging through Los Angeles murder his loved ones, a pacifist has one night to unleash his inner demon turning the hunters into the hunted”
The inciting incident is worded a bit awkwardly. I think the idea is interesting of a pacifist, having to go outside of his comfort zone to fight. But that raises the question: How? How does one man, who doesn’t even like fighting, take on vampires, supernatural beings? Beings which are stronger, faster than humans, and can suck his blood out? Rather than the vague description of “turning the hunters into the hunted” tell us how this happens. Is he a vampire? A werewolf? What gives him the ability to face vampires at night, when they have their power? Describe this inner demon.
Example:?When his family is killed by rampaging vampires, a pacifist must use his magic power to destroy them and save the city. (22)
See lessI just have one last question. What’s the hook of this story? What distinguishes it from other vampire stories? So far the only thing that has the potential to stick out is whatever power the protagonist holds. Saying that, if he’s just another vampire fighting more vampires then it’s basically just a rehash of “Blade” and other stories.
One last attempt. Share your thoughts: A bankrupt man ventures into dangerous territory to meet with an old friend who promised him money to pay for his son?s emergency operation.
"A bankrupt man ventures into dangerous territory to meet with an old friend who promised him money to pay for his son?s emergency operation." The logline has too many vague descriptions. What kind of territory? Gang territory? Hostile government? Racists? What is the danger? That's what the story iRead more
“A bankrupt man ventures into dangerous territory to meet with an old friend who promised him money to pay for his son?s emergency operation.”
The logline has too many vague descriptions. What kind of territory? Gang territory? Hostile government? Racists? What is the danger? That’s what the story is about, isn’t it? So what, in specific terms, is the dangerous obstacle he must face in order to accomplish his goal? ?Does he have to face men with guns, girls with guns, little boys with slingshots? Be more specific, but otherwise it seems okay.
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