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A family trapped between our universe and another fights to save a surviving daughter from a violent relationship; their only hope is the guilt-ridden scientist responsible for their ghost-like state.
In my demented way of thinking, one measure of a logline's effectiveness is its ability to generate an image in my mind of the situation it sets up.? And generate more images of potential events that might follow?from the plot the logline describes.? After all, film is a visual medium.Alas, I, for oRead more
In my demented way of thinking, one measure of a logline’s effectiveness is its ability to generate an image in my mind of the situation it sets up.? And generate more images of potential events that might follow?from the plot the logline describes.? After all, film is a visual medium.
Alas, I, for one, can’t get a visual fix?on the situation or the plot of this logline.? What does “trapped between our universe and another” and “ghost-like state” ?mean?? What’s the visual on that?
Also, the logline defines ?the parents objective goal as to? save their daughter from a violent relationship.? But there seems to be?a bigger elephant-in-the-room dramatic problem that logline completely ignores as far as an objective goal:? the parent trapped between two universes — and how do they get out of that predicament?
And if the parents?only hope is a guilt-ridden scientist — who is the protagonist?? The parents or the scientist?
What is this story really about?? What is the plot? That the parents must rescue?their child?? Or is it that?the scientist?must rescue the daughter??Or that the scientist must rescue the parents?? Or that the scientist must rescue both the parents and the child?
fwiw
See lessWhen she’s falsely accused of witchcraft, a clairvoyant mute is forced to flee for her life with her telepathic 9-year-old son, and must find sanctuary in a foreign country tormented by a bizarre infirmity – despite an ill-fated future she had seen.
The most attention grabbing feature of this logline to me --the hook -- is the relationship??between the clairvoyant mute and her 9-year old telepathic son.? That has real possibilities. But I'm not sure the rest of the story sets up the best plot vehicle for that relationship. And why Satanists?? TRead more
The most attention grabbing feature of this logline to me –the hook — is the relationship??between the clairvoyant mute and her 9-year old telepathic son.? That has real possibilities.
But I’m not sure the rest of the story sets up the best plot vehicle for that relationship.
And why Satanists?? The more obvious and simpler to set up and dramatically justify?cause of the mother & son’s peril ?would be that she’s been branded a witch because of her?canny ?power — that of her son.? And for that she is going to be burned alive. (I presume that is the ‘sacrifice’ you have in mind. If not, what specifically is the means by which she will be killed?)
The French accused Joan of Arc of witchcraft in order to burn her at the stake.? (God fearing colonial American Puritans hung 19 women for witchcraft.) ?A tried and true scenario (alas)?down through the ages in too damn many cultures.
Anyway, your story seems to?distill down to 😕 “When?a clairvoyant mute and her telepathic 9-year old son are forced to flee for their lives, they must…
Well must what??? Is that?what the 2nd and?3rd Acts? are about???Mother and son just flee… and?some more… and flee some more?? I suggest that they?should not just be?fleeing FROM??what they fear (negative motivation)??but also running TOWARD a hopeful solution (positive emotion).? Toward an objective goal that constitutes a sanctuary, a place they find safety and acceptance.
[It’s okay to bootup a plot with negative motivation, but soon enough the protagonist must also acquire a positive motivation.? And that, of course, ?requires a positive goal. The protagonist must?transition to ?fighting for something they want, not just against what they fear.]
Again, I think you have the seed for a very interesting story in the mother-son relationship.? I’m not so sure it’s been planted in the most fertile plot to thrive and achieve its dramatic potential.
fwiw.
See lessEBABE finds success selling on Eworld Auctions, but now her life’s become a strange “eVenture.”
The play on the word adventure ("eVenture") is okay -- but not sufficient.? It's more of a blurb,?something that?teases?an audience, less??than a substantive?logline that?tells ?a movie producer what the plot is. That is,? it ?sets up a situation (sort of) for a story, but fails to clearly?indicateRead more
The play on the word adventure (“eVenture”) is okay — but not sufficient.? It’s more of a blurb,?something that?teases?an audience, less??than a substantive?logline that?tells ?a movie producer what the plot is. That is,? it ?sets up a situation (sort of) for a story, but fails to clearly?indicate where the story is going.?
What is eBabe’s objective goal? ?Who opposes her externally (antagonist) and? what jeopardizes her success internally (character flaw)?? ?What’s at stake? – what does she stand to gain by succeeding, lose by failing?
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