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A shy courier is overheard on police phone taps manned by his brother in law when he pursues a romance with the girlfriend of a wanted criminal.
As Rutger said.? The logline sets up a situation for a plot but it does not fulfill the primary purpose of a logline which is to succinctly describe a plot.? In this case, the logline needs to clearly indicate who is the protagonist.? Is it the shy courier or is it his brother-in-law?? Whoever it isRead more
As Rutger said.? The logline sets up a situation for a plot but it does not fulfill the primary purpose of a logline which is to succinctly describe a plot.? In this case, the logline needs to clearly indicate who is the protagonist.? Is it the shy courier or is it his brother-in-law?? Whoever it is, what becomes the objective goal as a consequence of the electronic eavesdropping?? Who/what opposes the protagonist in his struggle to achieve his objective goal?? What’s at stake?
See lessA young martial artist must find his uncle and request his help in fighting his father, a martial arts master who is determined to kill him.
A young man must persuade a legendary martial arts master to train him to fight? another martial arts master who has vowed to kill him -- his father. (28 words)NOTES: The logline as posted? has the basis elements, but I thought it could be spiced up.?? First of all, I presume that the uncle is a marRead more
A young man must persuade a legendary martial arts master to train him to fight? another martial arts master who has vowed to kill him — his father.
(28 words)
NOTES:
The logline as posted? has the basis elements, but I thought it could be spiced up.?? First of all, I presume that the uncle is a martial arts master in his own right — why else would the young man seek him out?? If so, then it seems to me? for the purpose of the logline ( which often compels tradeoffs between economy of words and completeness of conceptualization) that the reputation of the uncle would be a more of a need-to-know element? than the relationship. (Although, of course, it could still be part of the story.)
And, it seems seems to me that finding and asking the master would only be a first step.? That the core of the 2nd Act,? the most dramatically interesting aspect , would not be the finding and asking but the training. ( “The Matrix”, “Karate Kid”, “Rocky” — any number of movies come to mind with plots? building to a High Noon showdown between a protagonist in desperate need of a skill upgrade against a dangerous foe.)
Finally,? my version delivers the? hook where it profits from the most emphasis, the end, as a punchline.
fwiw
See lessA well-liked young man is found dead in the city?s reservoir. The police rule it an accident but the victim?s best friend ? a recently paroled thief ? learns the deceased had his greedy fingers in many dangerous pies. With help from friends and family, his investigation draws the attention of local thugs, corrupt cops, and the head of a multi-national, and he soon realizes there is no one he can trust.
What does the protagonist want to do -- need to do -- in light of what he knows and what are the personal stakes for the protagonist in solving the mystery? Consider Chinatown: Hollis Mulray is found dead in an L.A. reservoir, the police initially rule his death an accident.? But that isn't good enoRead more
What does the protagonist want to do — need to do — in light of what he knows and what are the personal stakes for the protagonist in solving the mystery?
Consider Chinatown: Hollis Mulray is found dead in an L.A. reservoir, the police initially rule his death an accident.? But that isn’t good enough for private detective J.J. Gittes.? Why?? Because by then he realizes he’s been played for a fool being hired to snoop on Mulray by someone claiming to be his wife. “LA is a small town…people talk, I don?t want to become a local joke.”.? What is at stake for him in solving the crime is his personal and professional reputation.? He MUST know who set him up — and why.
See less