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While a group of older teens are on a camping trip secretly building an unregistered ship,their planet is attacked and destroyed those not killed were taken.The teens have to rescue their families/friends.
Good points by Richiev. Particularly "a brash NASA washout". It implies a journey of transformation, a kid who must go from being an egotistical loser to an altruistic winner if he is to save his family and friends. There are heavy stakes riding on the character transformation, not just narcissisticRead more
Good points by Richiev. Particularly “a brash NASA washout”. It implies a journey of transformation, a kid who must go from being an egotistical loser to an altruistic winner if he is to save his family and friends. There are heavy stakes riding on the character transformation, not just narcissistic gold stars for self-improvement.
See lessWhile a group of older teens are on a camping trip secretly building an unregistered ship,their planet is attacked and destroyed those not killed were taken.The teens have to rescue their families/friends.
My mind ran off the road and into the ditch at "their planet is attacked and destroyed". Surprise is a good thing in a logline. As long as it whets interest in the story -- not confuse. Alas, I was left in the ditch, dazed and confused. So were they "camping out" on the moon, on another planet whenRead more
My mind ran off the road and into the ditch at “their planet is attacked and destroyed”.
Surprise is a good thing in a logline. As long as it whets interest in the story — not confuse. Alas, I was left in the ditch, dazed and confused. So were they “camping out” on the moon, on another planet when the attack occurred?
“Their planet is attacked and destroyed” — by whom? Identify the perp as the subject of that part of the sentence as in “XYZ attack their planet and enslave their families”.
And the logline also needs to ID a protagonist. It’s just “teens”, an ensemble of characters. That’s okay, but one should be the alpha character, the one who stands out above all the rest as the leader. Who owns the story.
Not just owns it, but who (given the genre and age of the character) must undergo a Hero’s journey. That ought to be the focus of the logline (and story) — how the inciting incident of the attack forces one character to undergo an implied Hero’s journey of transformation. As in “Star Wars” where there is a cast of thousands in the rebel alliance fighing the Empire — but it’s Luke Skywalker’s story, the story of his transformation from a rural hick to Jedi Knight.
And the story would benefit from a ticking clock. The parents must be rescued before.. ?? (As in “Star Wars” where Luke Skywalker must destory the Death Star BEFORE it goes live and destroys the moon that is the base for the rebel alliance.)
fwiw.
See lessAfter a German student, who is afraid of changes, is getting his dream scholarship for a US film school, he is confronted with the death of his grandfather and the meeting with his biological father and has to choose between his familiar surroundings and the study before the acceptance period expires.
The grandfather and father issues are unfortunate, but I fail to see how they are obstacles to his objective goal of going to film school in the US of A. They seem extraneous to the logline. The only serious obstacle, the only worthy foe in the logline is the student himself, his own internal inhibiRead more
The grandfather and father issues are unfortunate, but I fail to see how they are obstacles to his objective goal of going to film school in the US of A. They seem extraneous to the logline.
The only serious obstacle, the only worthy foe in the logline is the student himself, his own internal inhibitions and anxieties. The story is about an internal struggle. He is his own antagonist, his own worst enemy.
And there’s a ticking clock. He has a deadline to accept the scholarship or lose it. That’s good.
But internal conflicts are difficult to dramatize — to wit, to visualize — on film. And I don’t see anything in particular — a compelling hook, a unique twist — that makes this story stand out from all the other stories about struggling young artists.
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