1. Posted: December 18, 2013In:

    In dystopian future governed by a biotechnology corporation, a young woman?s investigation into her father?s sudden disappearance leads her to believe he is a test-subject in a secret government location called ?The Factory?. When she finds herself with a group of prisoners on a vehicle heading towards an unknown location, she realizes she is on her way to The Factory and must find her father and escape before they are changed forever.

    dpg Singularity

    Or: In a dystopian future, a young female guerilla fights to sabotage a secret program to genetically re-engineer political dissidents who fight the state into super-soldiers who fight for it. (29 words)

    Or:

    In a dystopian future, a young female guerilla fights to sabotage a secret program to genetically re-engineer political dissidents who fight the state into super-soldiers who fight for it.

    (29 words)

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  2. Posted: December 18, 2013In:

    In dystopian future governed by a biotechnology corporation, a young woman?s investigation into her father?s sudden disappearance leads her to believe he is a test-subject in a secret government location called ?The Factory?. When she finds herself with a group of prisoners on a vehicle heading towards an unknown location, she realizes she is on her way to The Factory and must find her father and escape before they are changed forever.

    dpg Singularity

    Or:: In a dystopian future, a young woman struggles to rescue her father and other political prisoners from being tortured, re-programmed, and tamed with genetic modification. (25 words) [However, neither shorter version captures the ironical goal of the program, to transform people from fighting agRead more

    Or::

    In a dystopian future, a young woman struggles to rescue her father and other political prisoners from being tortured, re-programmed, and tamed with genetic modification. (25 words)

    [However, neither shorter version captures the ironical goal of the program, to transform people from fighting against the state to fighting for it.]

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  3. Posted: December 18, 2013In:

    In dystopian future governed by a biotechnology corporation, a young woman?s investigation into her father?s sudden disappearance leads her to believe he is a test-subject in a secret government location called ?The Factory?. When she finds herself with a group of prisoners on a vehicle heading towards an unknown location, she realizes she is on her way to The Factory and must find her father and escape before they are changed forever.

    dpg Singularity

    gdawg23: As Karel Segers points out in his logline guidelines for this site, a logline is ideally 30 words or less. That is not a number he's pulling out of thin air. Being a quant guy, I put the guideline to a statistical test, collected and analyzed a fairly random sample of 500 loglines for movieRead more

    gdawg23:

    As Karel Segers points out in his logline guidelines for this site, a logline is ideally 30 words or less. That is not a number he’s pulling out of thin air. Being a quant guy, I put the guideline to a statistical test, collected and analyzed a fairly random sample of 500 loglines for movies. The median average word length was 23. Almost 88% were 30 words or shorter. None of them exceeded 40 words in length.

    Your 2nd iteration is 61 words long.

    So you need to look for every way to trim words, cut to the chase. For example, “investigation into her father?s sudden disappearance leads her to believe he is” = discovers. So all you need to say in the logline is something like ” When young woman discovers her father…” (You’ll fill out the details of the discovery in the script.)

    And “a test-subject in a horrifying government conspiracy that takes political prisoners and turns them into genetically modified super-soldiers.” (18 words) seems to say something like “enemies of the state are punished by being genetically re-engineered as super-soldiers” (12 words)

    And that’s as far as I can go at the moment as I don’t pretend to have a good handle on your concept and I don’t want to superimpose my own. I realize trimming your story down to 30 words max is no easy task. Your story seems to be packed with a lot of plot and a lot of ideas.

    Best wishes. Hope this helps.

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