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After a devastating solar storm, a gold reserve manager and his family must escape the city and collapse of society, unknowingly hunted by a ruthless clan-leader looking for gold.
Why does he hunt down the banker? (Bankers don't own the gold in the banks they manage -- they are custodians of other people's wealth. Unless they embezzle...). Wouldn't it be easier, faster -- and a bigger haul -- for the clan-leader to take advantage of the breakdown of law and order and loot banRead more
Why does he hunt down the banker? (Bankers don’t own the gold in the banks they manage — they are custodians of other people’s wealth. Unless they embezzle…).
Wouldn’t it be easier, faster — and a bigger haul — for the clan-leader to take advantage of the breakdown of law and order and loot bank vaults and safe deposit boxes in the city for the gold he covets?
See lessA former hitman finds out that the agency that hired him 15 years ago is trying to kill him and his family. Now he must protect them from the agency and his past.
This logline raises one good question in my mind and two not-so-good questions. The good question is the forward thinking one you want a logline to raise in a reader's mind: What happens next? But, alas, my mind is distracted by 2 other not-so-good questions that look backwards instead of forwards iRead more
This logline raises one good question in my mind and two not-so-good questions.
The good question is the forward thinking one you want a logline to raise in a reader’s mind: What happens next?
But, alas, my mind is distracted by 2 other not-so-good questions that look backwards instead of forwards in the story:
1] Why is the company who hired him coming after him?
2] Why has it taken so long? Why 15 years?
As long as my mind trips over these 2 backward looking questions, I am unable to focus my attention and interest on the forward looking question.
Another reason I am unable look forward in the story is because the protagonist has no clearly defined objective goal that he is fighting forwards for. Yes, he must protect his family. That’s a necessary plot point, but it’s only an initial reactive and defensive story beat. After he protects his family, isn’t his objective goal to go on the offense and take down his foes and eliminate the threat altogether?
See lessAfter a career-threatening injury puts back a dream of becoming one of soccer?s elite, a teenage boy must rediscover his form and prove his doubters wrong.
SaintPeter: Others mileage may vary, but I personally liked the concept of the character in the earlier iteration of your story. That is, a boy whose career-threatening injury is his self-confidence and courage which has been battered by bullying. It's an unambiguous character flaw that raises the sRead more
SaintPeter:
Others mileage may vary, but I personally liked the concept of the character in the earlier iteration of your story. That is, a boy whose career-threatening injury is his self-confidence and courage which has been battered by bullying. It’s an unambiguous character flaw that raises the stakes and dramatic tension in his struggle to realize his dream of playing soccer.
A career-threatening physical injury can be a complication, of course, but it’s the psychological injury from bullying that, in my opinion, is the plus factor in your story, the concept that can give the story emotional depth and resonance.
My only objection to the previous version is similar to my only objection to this one: a clear-cut statement of his objective goal. Of course, his secret dream is to become an elite soccer player, but how does that translate into an specific, concrete objective goal? “Rediscover his form and prove his doubters wrong” are not goals; they are means to an end, plot points along the way to the goal. And that goal is whatever he struggles to achieve and finally achieve at the climax. What exactly does he do, what exactly does he accomplish in that final moment of truth in Act 3?
Whatever it is, I submit that amounts his objective goal for the purpose of the film and for the purpose of a specific goal statement in the logline.
fwiw.
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