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  1. Posted: April 13, 2019In: Crime

    In 1977, a reformed ex-con must return to New York City?s violent underworld in order to save his childhood best friend from a dangerous gangster.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on April 13, 2019 at 8:58 am

    Agree with Richiev.I suggest that the jeopardy needs to be clarified.? Must he rescue his friend from having fallen into a life of crime under the influence of the gangster?? Or is his life in mortal jeopardy? -- is the gangster planning to kill him?

    Agree with Richiev.

    I suggest that the jeopardy needs to be clarified.? Must he rescue his friend from having fallen into a life of crime under the influence of the gangster?? Or is his life in mortal jeopardy? — is the gangster planning to kill him?

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  2. Posted: April 13, 2019In: Thriller

    A retired spy living the high life on the French Riviera must confront his dark, shameful past when he is blackmailed into entrapping a Nazi war criminal.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on April 13, 2019 at 8:47 am

    >> must confront his dark, shameful past whenVague.? I think this needs to be spelled out because it's an integral component of the inciting incident and the moral dilemma he faces.As an example,? consider the logline for the film "The Debt".? New information, a? clue,? is the inciting incidenRead more

    >> must confront his dark, shameful past when

    Vague.? I think this needs to be spelled out because it’s an integral component of the inciting incident and the moral dilemma he faces.

    As an example,? consider the logline for the film “The Debt”.? New information, a? clue,? is the inciting incident that compels? a retired Mossad agent to confront her dark, shameful past.? Specifically, that she failed to assassinate the Nazi war criminal.? And worse, that she and her fellow operatives lied about it.? For 30 years she has been hailed as a national hero for a job she botched.

    That’s her “dark shameful past”.? And it’s also the story hook.? I suggest that? the vague phrase “confront his dark shameful past”? is. in effect, hiding the juicy bait on the story hook.? Instead, it ought to be dangled in plain view to tempt movie makers to bite, to read the script.

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: April 13, 2019In: Western

    In the snowy Montana wilderness, a mysterious frontiersman protects a homestead family from a corrupt lawman and his posse.

    dpg Singularity
    Added an answer on April 13, 2019 at 4:38 am

    The logline describes an interesting situation for a plot.... but, alas, it fails to describe a plot.? Which is what a logline is supposed to do.? (Check out some useful guidelines? under "Our formula." )For instance,? there is no inciting incident;? we don't know what happened that caused the frontRead more

    The logline describes an interesting situation for a plot…. but, alas, it fails to describe a plot.? Which is what a logline is supposed to do.? (Check out some useful guidelines? under “Our formula.” )

    For instance,? there is no inciting incident;? we don’t know what happened that caused the frontiersman to get involved in the homestead family’s plight.? What skin does he have in the game?? And what is the lawman after?? Of all the homesteaders he could harass in the territory, why is? the lawman singling out this one?

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