1. Posted: August 12, 2020In:

    When a young man discovers a magic sword that gives him the power to see the curse that he has due to his sins and that will guide him to the lost city where he will be healed, he will have to deal with the supreme leader of his former city as well as the guilt of past actions.

    dpg Singularity

    Does the supreme leader have a magic sword? A magic anything? The logline doesn't say. So the only assumption a logline reader can make is the leader does not. Which leads to the impression that from the gitgo, the odds are tilted in favor of the young man. In drama, the odds should never be tiltedRead more

    Does the supreme leader have a magic sword? A magic anything? The logline doesn’t say. So the only assumption a logline reader can make is the leader does not. Which leads to the impression that from the gitgo, the odds are tilted in favor of the young man.

    In drama, the odds should never be tilted in favor of the protagonist. The bad guys get all the breaks — the good guys get none. The protagonist has to win the old fashioned way. Not by magic but by hard work, sacrifice and suffering.

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  2. Posted: August 9, 2020In:

    A social media influencer-environmentalist is forced to work with a disreputable concrete manufacturer, to bolster its “green” credibility, after she loses all her money in a card game to the manufacturer’s owner.

    dpg Singularity

    The story subject is contemporary, but I agree with Mike Pedley about the inciting incident. It seems unimaginative, contrived. Why not derive an inciting incident from contemporary events, like the pandemic that has disrupted the business models of millions of hard hustling, small time entrepreneurRead more

    The story subject is contemporary, but I agree with Mike Pedley about the inciting incident. It seems unimaginative, contrived. Why not derive an inciting incident from contemporary events, like the pandemic that has disrupted the business models of millions of hard hustling, small time entrepreneurs (which social media influencers are) ? An authentic crisis is an opportunity to valuable to waste when it comes to drama.

    And I agree with Mike that the logline gives only a vague idea of what the objective goal. What does “forced to work with” mean in terms of a specific objective goal?

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  3. Posted: August 4, 2020In:

    An arrogant crime scene cleaner and her impressionable partner/best friend begin a messy murder spree to provide the work that’ll save their business from going under.

    dpg Singularity

    Mike: Thanks for the link to the murder-com article. Now that I've had time to think it over -- and tweak my daily dosage of Zoloft -- I can see comedic possibilities. However, I would like to suggest that while the easy-to-manipulate side kick may be necessary for the plot, it's not needed for theRead more

    Mike:

    Thanks for the link to the murder-com article. Now that I’ve had time to think it over — and tweak my daily dosage of Zoloft — I can see comedic possibilities.

    However, I would like to suggest that while the easy-to-manipulate side kick may be necessary for the plot, it’s not needed for the logline. More important — good point Vivien — is the need to include the antagonist.

    So maybe something like:

    A steep decline in murders drives a crime scene cleaner to begin a messy murder spree to stay in business while staying one step ahead of the homicide detective investigating the crime scenes.
    (33 words)

    fwiw

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