Some thoughts:

While an essential part of the story, I don’t think that his being a family man is essential to the logline.

What may be essential to the logline is incorporating the suggestion that his testimony before Congress was part of a long term strategy of media stunts and provocative actions to dramatize the issue, get media time, prod legislators to act.? Because, of course, initially there was no widespread awareness of the issue, and no one outside the community of kidney patients gave a damn.

And for the purposes of the marketing the script, the logline must suggest, must dangle the promise? of plenty of interesting conflict scenes and trailer moments throughout the story.? ?His Congressional testimony is just the? culmination.? Was that, indeed, the case?? How long did he fight for the landmark legislation?

Finally,? I wonder if it may be more effective to pitch the story as? biographical rather than historical, even though the story will only focus on? the defining chapter of his life.? The biographical tag more implicitly narrows the focus of the script to the struggle of one particular character..

Let me clarify my SOP when it comes to writing loglines for myself and suggesting loglines for others:

I personally write two loglines for my projects. The first is for mine eyes only, the second is for marketing the script to other pairs of eye balls.

The “Mine Eyes Only” only version must conform to? the formula . Because the formula forces me to organize the script, nail down the essential elements of the plot. I’m not ready to write the first draft of a script until I’ve written a “Mine Eyes Only” version.

For that reason, I strongly encourage folks to first write a “formula” version of the logline. It’s not easy, but it is necessary.

I may not sweat the “Other Eye Balls”, the marketing version, until after I have done at least one draft of the script. In my experience, I discover the best hook for marketing the story in the process of writing? a first (aka: “vomit”) draft. Or second… or third… or…

Now it may turn out that the plotting logline is good enough to do double duty as the marketing logline. But it is my experience and observation that one dual-purpose logline is not always feasible.

So on this website, my m.o. is to dig out a story hook for a marketing logline as well as offering suggestions for a “formula” logline (to organize the plot).

To repeat: I? advise working up two versions of your logline for your projects, on? for plotting, one for marketing.

My? 2.5 cents worth.