Foxtrot25:

>>proceed that a log should suggest to a star talent what the story would mean for them if they were to sign up.

That is the usual rule, the best way to proceed.? But, as you know,? I also think rules are tools, not immutable laws chiseled in stone.? There can be exceptions.

And I also think that the most important element for a winning logline is a strong story hook.? I dare to venture it is the must-have, indispensable element for scripts by new writers with no representation, no industry contacts, no previous credits.? It’s such a ferociously competitive market, that having a well-constructed, industry standard logline? with all the required elements ( inciting incident+protagonist+objective goal+antagonist)? while necessary is not sufficient.? A spec script by an unrepresented writer trying to break into the Biz needs a strong story hook.

And I think this story has a strong hook.? True story… England’s biggest bank heist… scandalous photos of Princess Margaret.

BUT:

It also true that in Show Biz getting the script filmed often requires attaching major talent to the project, talent that? wants to play the role of the protagonist.? Having a major talent attached to a project is a magnet that draws other talent — and? more importantly, the $$,$$$,$$$ to film it.

Bottom line:? I agree with you that the wiser course would be to include the role of the protagonist.?

And I also think the midpoint discovery/reversal should be and can be included.

Should be because it’s a good story hook.

Can be because the audience is in on the setup from the git-go; it’ s well established in the first Act.? The thieves don’t discover it until the midpoint, after they have robbed the bank.? ?So the midpoint discovery/reversal is not a spoiler — it’s a selling point.

So:

The true story of how a small time criminal led a motley crew to pull off England?s biggest bank heist only to discover they were set up by MI5 to retrieve scandalous photos of Princess Margaret.
(36 words)

Note😕 “small time criminal” instead of? “shady used car dealer”? because, upon another viewing, I realized that is a more accurate description.? The story opens with him selling used cars because he’s trying to go legit . But it’s not working out. He’s deep in debt to a loan shark.? And then an ex-girlfriend shows up to offer him the score of a lifetime that will solve all? his money woes.