1. Posted: February 1, 2018In:

    When a brutal warrior is blinded in a fight, he must go with the woman he tried to save to a magic river to get his eye sight healed before they?re both hunted by a cannibal tribe.

    dpg Singularity

    Good point by Guillerson. The notion of a role reversal relationship sound promising.? But why would she want to put her life in so much danger just so he can see again??What's in it for the woman? And who owns the plot?? Who is the protagonist,? the man or the woman?? (The woman, I hope.)

    Good point by Guillerson.

    The notion of a role reversal relationship sound promising.? But why would she want to put her life in so much danger just so he can see again??What’s in it for the woman?

    And who owns the plot?? Who is the protagonist,? the man or the woman?? (The woman, I hope.)

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  2. Posted: February 3, 2018In:

    When the end of an abusive relationship sends an isolated college student reeling, she struggles to regain confidence by participating in a legendary campus tradition: stealing the hands from the campus clocktower.

    dpg Singularity

    As Foxtrot25 said and as I previously noted, I don't think the story gels for the logline as currently written.? The inciting causes feel incongruous to the resulting action.However....It has occurs to me that there seems to be a pattern of? omission in? "coming of age"and "young adult" themed logliRead more

    As Foxtrot25 said and as I previously noted, I don’t think the story gels for the logline as currently written.? The inciting causes feel incongruous to the resulting action.

    However….

    It has occurs to me that there seems to be a pattern of? omission in? “coming of age”and “young adult” themed loglines posted here.? The omission pertains to a motivating factor (inciting incident) that triggers the resulting action (objective goal).? It is one of the most potent motivating factors for the way adolescents and young adults behave in real life.

    That motivation is peer pressure, the need to fit in , to belong to the group.? ?No just any group, but the “in” group.

    Well, writing is such a lonely occupation. And writers tend to be outsiders, observers of pack behavior rather than insiders, participants.? (Or is it just me? Okay, it’s just me.)??

    Which is a preamble to a suggested inciting incident for the heist that I would buy into as perfectly plausible and possible:

    She desperately wants to join the “in” sorority.? (Maybe the same one her social climbing mother joined — or desperately wanted to join — but didn’t .)

    And the traditional initiation rite is some ridiculous, outrageous prank.? The sorority is legendary for it’s initiation pranks.? And this year’s initiation prank is the topper, the heist.? She must overcome her innate timidity, her fear of taking risks? (and fear of heights) and participate in the heist to get in.

    (Of course, her real subjective need is to take a constructive risk in love, in relationship, or choice of major.? Whatever, the subjective need is to be worked out in the script, not outlined in the logline.)

    fwiw

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  3. Posted: February 2, 2018In:

    When her father is killed by a brutal warlord, a sheltered princess must take over as queen of her kingdom and lead her knights against an army of violent barbarians to defend her kingdom.

    dpg Singularity

    At first glance, the plot would seem to be:When a brutal warlord kills her father, a sheltered princess must take over as queen and defend her kingdom against a barbarian invasion. (23 words)As if the death of her father and the invasion are 2 separate crises by 2 separate parties.But if the same waRead more

    At first glance, the plot would seem to be:

    When a brutal warlord kills her father, a sheltered princess must take over as queen and defend her kingdom against a barbarian invasion.
    (23 words)

    As if the death of her father and the invasion are 2 separate crises by 2 separate parties.

    But if the same warlord is also the invader — his goal is to claim country and throne for himself — then perhaps:

    When a brutal warlord kills her father and invades the kingdom, a sheltered princess must fight for her throne and the freedom of her people.
    (25 words)

    A virtue of the 2nd version is that she is fighting for something greater than just herself; she’s fighting for her people, for freedom– more important stakeholders and stakes than her claim to the throne.? [That’s not an insignificant nuance in the way historical (and fantasy) stories are framed these days, btw.]

    Whatever, the ambiguity as to the role of warlord in the entirety of the plot needs to be clarified.

    Also, I believe it always more effective to cast a character’s action — even the antagonist — in active, transitive words.? So “a brutal warlord kills the father” rather than “the father is killed by a brutal warlord”.? ?It also saves 2 words. achieving? economy as well as effectiveness.

    fwiw

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