1. Posted: January 21, 2017In:

    When an agoraphobic author meets his dream girl, a country star, he starts a therapy to join her in public, but a meltdown on live TV reopens old wounds of his deceased love.

    dpg Singularity

    >>>but a meltdown on live TV reopens old wounds of his deceased love.Extraneous to the purpose of a logline. ?It's not the inciting incident; it's a middle (or later) 2nd act complication or reversal. Loglines require a statement of the 2nd act objective goal; they don't require a reveal ofRead more

    >>>but a meltdown on live TV reopens old wounds of his deceased love.

    Extraneous to the purpose of a logline. ?It’s not the inciting incident; it’s a middle (or later) 2nd act complication or reversal. Loglines require a statement of the 2nd act objective goal; they don’t require a reveal of the major 2nd act complication/reversal of fortune.

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  2. Posted: January 21, 2017In:

    A French village and pacifist priest must work with a bloodthirsty resistance group to fight invading Nazi’s and save 5000 Jews from extermination using only their Protestant values, an amateur forger and a one-legged female spy. *True Holocaust Story*

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    >>>doesn?t matter that it is a true story,I beg to differ. That it's a true story is a value-added factor; it makes the story more credible, more marketable. ?So I think it ought to be part of the logline.But I, too, don't see a value-added factor in shoe horning the forger into the loglineRead more

    >>>doesn?t matter that it is a true story,

    I beg to differ. That it’s a true story is a value-added factor; it makes the story more credible, more marketable. ?So I think it ought to be part of the logline.

    But I, too, don’t see a value-added factor in shoe horning the forger into the logline. ?Nor the resistance group. ?So both can be dropped.?

    So if you’re pitching your story with dual protagonists than maybe something like:

    The true story one-legged female spy and pacifist priest who teamed up to save 5000 Jews from the death camps in occupied France.

    ( 23 words, ?129 characters , equivalent to ?a .92 tweet* versus 34 words, ?195 characters or 1.39 tweets* in the revised version.)

    I don’t think “wage a clandestine war” is necessary. It seems to me that it obvious and implicit.

    *Note: I started measuring loglines in terms of tweets — character length as well as word length — ?when my survey of over 700 loglines revealed that not only was the average word length was truly about 25 words, but the average character length was about 140 characters, the length of a tweet. (And yesterday, a President was inaugurated in the US of A who showed just how successful selling something in 140 character tweets could be. ?In the age of the internet, for better or worse, less is truly more.)

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  3. Posted: January 21, 2017In:

    When an alien experiment crash lands in his backyard and gives him strange powers, a subdued teenager must use his new abilities and protect himself from malicious space hunters.

    Best Answer
    dpg Singularity

    Okay, a little clearer. ?But does "stolen alien experiment" mean that an alien has stolen an experimental spaceship? ?What's the entity in "stolen alien experiment'? ?Is it rather the case than an alien has stolen an experimental space craft?And it seems to me that there's a missing link (or three)Read more

    Okay, a little clearer. ?But does “stolen alien experiment” mean that an alien has stolen an experimental spaceship? ?What’s the entity in “stolen alien experiment’? ?Is it rather the case than an alien has stolen an experimental space craft?

    And it seems to me that there’s a missing link (or three) in the chain of causation between the inciting incident and the resulting threat. ?The thieving alien commits GTS (grand theft spaceship) ?crash lands on earth…. and then ?”malicious creators’ come after not the thief, not the teen — but the teen’s family. ?Why are they being targeted? ?Shouldn’t the bad aliens be after the thief, the one who stole the experiment?

    Why are the teen’s family, collateral characters, in mortal jeopardy?

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