This one’s tough. ?It’s a good idea. ?A cool monster in the box. ?And a nice dose of irony.

But to really hook us we need that impending danger. ?The security system is?going to kill them.?There’s something that’s keeping it from outright killing them, but maybe that something is temporary, wearing off, “processing”… ?This feels like Asimov and the 3 rules where one of them has been perverted and now the machine is working out that the best way to keep the hero safe is first by killing his family and eventually by killing him. ?If so that gives us a ticking clock. ?Whatever the circumstances, the implication is that something pivotal is going to happen that is going to make the house kill the hero and his family.

So give us that. ?This won’t be a simple rework of word choice in the existing log line unfortunately. ?You’ll have to come at it fresh. ?But you have all the pieces so you’ll get it. ?Focus on the mortal danger. ?The machine you trust to keep you safe kills you. ?That’s your hook.

This feels solid to me. ?I smiled when I read it. ?It’s clearly a dark comedy. ?I get that, being terminally ill, he can now do all the things to his enemies?he’s always wanted to. ? ?And the terrible frustration he must feel that once he works up this courage (or gets this freedom) to get his revenge everyone already dying.

Feels like the title should have some kind of twist on time running out. ?Because of course all the people he hates are dying before he can get to them so now he has to race to get his revenge before everybody’s dead. ?”Senior Circuit”, “Racing the Reaper”, “Past Due”.

So maybe that’s all?that needs tweeking. You really want to hammer home the irony of a man with weeks to live having more life in him then those he wants to kill.